In light of Columbia, let’s be proactive.
By Katie Cappiello
At a recent StopSlut workshop in NYC, over 160 high school students came together for a day of story sharing, honest discussion, and action planning around sex, shaming, consent, and rape. Midway through the event, a 15-year-old girl stood with tears in her eyes, shaking as she recounted her rape, which took place at her home, at the hands of a trusted friend. Her story is one I’ve sadly heard hundreds of times, from girls across the country, over the past three years as I’ve been working with young people to develop SLUT: A Play and Guidebook for Combating Sexism and Sexual Violence and StopSlut, a youth-lead movement to end slut shaming and transform rape culture. To the room full of silent teenagers, this high school sophomore concluded with an all-too-common sentiment, “I didn’t want to think what happened to me was actually rape. Yes, I said ‘No” and I tried to push him off, but I didn’t have bruises and he didn’t hit me. Also, he just wasn’t someone I saw as a ‘rapist.’ He isn’t what rapists are supposed to look like or be like.”
I bring up this anecdote in light of the recent New York Times article giving voice to Paul Nungesser, the Columbia senior accused of rape by fellow student Emma Sulkowicz. The piece details Paul’s experience being accused by three young women of sexual misconduct and, as a result, ostracized at school. Even as an ardent supporter and believer of Ms. Sulkowicz, Paul’s story sparked a sense of empathy in me– could this have been my brother, cousin, son, nephew or student? A young man who, to his own detriment and the detriment of others, as evidenced by his own remarks, doesn’t seem to fully understand what rape is, what intimate partner violence is, what consent is. His words should be a wake-up call to us all, because if he and other young men like him don’t understand these issues and aren’t able to accurately identify them, they will continue to distance themselves and abdicate responsibility.
In response to Ms. Sulkowicz’s claim of assault, Mr. Nungesser said, “What was alleged was the most violent rape, and that did not happen.” But rape can still be rape even without the traditional markers of violence. Does Mr. Nungesser know this? I wonder because I’ve met a good number of high school (as referenced above) and college young women and men who don’t. They do not seem to truly get that rape can still “happen” even in the absence of choking, beating, and the holding of a knife to someone’s neck. Rape can happen even if two people have had consensual sex in the past. Does Mr. Nungesser know that rape can happen when it doesn’t look like the “rape” you’ve grown to know and fear in movies and TV? And, yes, rape can happen by someone who is otherwise a good guy.
In regards to intimate partner violence, Mr. Nungesser said, “Outside of a forced marriage or kidnapping, it just seems very hard to believe that a person would over and over again put themselves in a situation where they could expect this kind of behavior to occur.” This type of statement from a young person should catapult us into action. With the only exceptions being forced marriage or kidnapping, this college senior who attends one of top universities in the country is skeptical of intimate partner violence. Because why would someone put up with abuse? This is one of the major misconceptions of domestic violence and intimate partner violence– and rape. And it’s victim blaming at its most frustrating. Why wouldn’t she (or he) just leave? Or bit down on his penis? Or scream ‘No’ a little louder? Why would she have had sex with me last month and not be willing tonight? Why would she keep talking to me if I violated her? Why would she keep coming back if she didn’t like it and want it?
Mr. Nungesser’s statements illustrate the dire need for frank conversations and education (along with improved procedures) around the issues of sex, sexuality, consent, rape and relationships. The tragic events playing out on Columbia’s campus should motivate us to be proactive rather than reactive. Waiting until college orientation to crack these issues open is too late. I say let’s start in high school…hell, middle school! Let’s tackle rape culture as early as possible, in hopes of better preparing and therefore protecting both young women and young men.
So, my question: when are you going to talk to the young people in your life?
