The Secret to Sex that Won’t Bend His Penis into a Balloon Animal

Make sure your first time doesn’t end in disaster.

Sherry Mayle
Nov 18, 2019 · 4 min read
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by Avigator Fortuner/Shutterstock.com

At fifteen, my mom would’ve locked my vagina in a tiny jar on her nightstand to prevent a boy from getting me pregnant.

Since our medical insurance didn’t sponsor that procedure, Mom settled for never letting me leave the house — except for church.

One morning, I tell her I’ll be home late from school. I have church. I don’t mention I’ll be skipping tonight’s service to have sex for the first time at my boyfriend’s house.

Luckily for Mom, my first time is awful. By the end, I wonder if Jesus has a sense of humor and a taste for vengeance. I consider never having sex again.

Here’s how to make sure this doesn’t happen to you.

Clear your working area.

There’s too much furniture in this room. I see old lasagna under my boyfriend Jon’s bed. Dog hair from his retriever coats the wooden floor. The room smells like sweaty socks and vinegar.

This is gross. Have sex somewhere that doesn’t smell bad is timeless advice.

Clutter distracts the mind. If you don’t want to bend your boyfriend’s penis in half, get your head in the game. Clean the area.

If anyone’s grandparents are nearby, abort.

Jon lives with his grandparents. They let us hang out in his bedroom, which borders their living room, as long as we don’t shut the door.

We’re fifteen and have no manners. We don’t need a closed door to have sex.

We’re idiots. Be smarter than we are. Your first time will be awkward. You don’t want someone’s grandparents to witness it. Talk of the nursing home is not the legacy you envisioned for yourself.

Slow down.

I lay beside him in his bed wearing just my t-shirt. He whispers, “Get on top.”

I crawl across him and straddle his lap. We spend three minutes trying to line up the pole to the hole. The hole is dry. I’m trying too hard to have sex to enjoy sex, which is like turning on a movie to fast-forward to the credits.

Slow down. Another way to say this is: If you get on top before you’re wet, you’re gonna have a bad time.

Objects may be larger than they first appear.

I keep falling off. The boy’s penis is nine and a half inches and girthy.

He looks like something you’d buy at Spencer’s, like if you found the right button, he’d vibrate and spin.

Take a look at their dick. Does it resemble a breadstick or a telephone pole? If it’s the latter, reconsider. You aren’t going to pull this off without prep work and KY.

Know your twat.

Even a welcoming vagina would’ve struggled with Jon’s comically large dick. My vagina isn’t welcoming. She takes one look at Mr. Big’s dick and does her best impression of Gandalf from Lord of the Rings.

“You shall not pass!”

It’s my fault. I haven’t prepped her. At fifteen, I’m still afraid to look at her. What if she looks weird?

To prevent this, find out who’s living between your legs. Introduce yourself to your twat long before you attempt to make her accommodate houseguests. If not, you might end up with a hostage situation on your hands.

My pelvic muscles clamp around Jon like a clothespin. I’m left balanced on his knob like a seesaw. He covers his mouth to muffle a scream and not from pleasure.

I look between my legs and frown at her. Let him go! I jump up and down to try and secure his release.

“No! His body shall die in here and serve as a warning to the others!” she yells back.

You can’t fuck soft serve.

Jon begins to go soft as a means of escape. I’m too inexperienced to know you can’t fuck a soft penis. The softness is a good sign — maybe it’ll be easier to squish in now!

I bear down as hard as I can.

Don’t do this. This is wrong.

Suddenly I’m five inches closer to his lap.

“Owwww!”

I look down. His dick is in an L-shape underneath me.

Don’t incriminate yourself.

“I broke it!” I scream.

I jump off and bury myself under the covers just as his grandma rounds the corner.

“Oh my god!” she screams. “You did break it!”

“I’m so sorry!” I sob. I poke my head above the covers expecting to see Jon curled on the floor in pain. “Do you need to go to the hospital?”

Instead, Jon and his grandma are both standing, staring at me like I’m wearing tinfoil.

Jon nods toward one of his grandma’s favorite lamps that lay smashed beside the bed. In my rush to get off what I perceived to be his broken penis, I’d kicked it over.

Post-Mortem Cheat Sheet

Jon assures me that while it doesn’t feel great, his penis isn’t broken. My vagina had just established dominance by temporarily arranging him into a balloon animal.

I go home afraid of sex. I lie to Mom many more times about church and have several more failed attempts before I have a successful sexual experience.

To make your learning curve move a bit faster, here’s a cheat sheet.

  1. Don’t have sex with people who have giant penises without proper lubrication.
  2. Don’t have sex with people when their grandma’s next door. That’s rude.
  3. Don’t assume you broke their penis — just like when there’s a car accident, never admit fault first.

Sex Stories No One Asked For

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