Are You Ready for an Alien Invasion?

Bard AI told me to hide in a closet.

Photo by Artem Kovalev on Unsplash

By now you’ve probably watched Awkwardmama107’s video about the Maryland school district giving teachers alien invasion training.

Hey! What about the rest of us? I think it’s great they have procedures to protect schoolchildren, but we grownups would like to survive, too, thankyouverymuch.

Awkwardmama107 didn’t share the details of the UFO invasion survival protocol. I thought that if anyone could help us out here, it may be Bard AI.

Yes, I know. Bard bungled a review of my short story, The Time Worm. It also gave me a freaky explanation of a dad joke about alligators.

But when I asked, “What’s the best way to survive an alien invasion?” I thought Bard knocked it out of the park.

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Bard: The best way to survive an alien invasion depends on a number of factors, including the aliens’ intentions, their technological capabilities, and the resources you have available. However, some general tips that may help include:

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• Stay calm and assess the situation. This will help you make rational decisions and avoid making mistakes.

(I’m pretty sure there would be another toilet paper shortage.)

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• Find a safe place to hide. This could be a basement, a storm shelter, or even a closet. Make sure the space is well-ventilated and has enough supplies to last for several days.

(I guess I could pull the clothes out of my closet, dump them on the floor, and punch air holes in the door. Golly, I feel safer already.)

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• Try to communicate with the aliens. This could help you determine their intentions and avoid conflict.

(The girls in the photo are sending happy thoughts to the space aliens.)

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• Don’t fight back unless necessary. If you think you can defend yourself without putting yourself or others in danger, then fighting back may be the best option. However, if you think you’re likely to be killed or injured, it’s usually best to surrender.

(This guy has been hiding in his closet for days. He’s out of canned ravioli. He’s wondering if the aliens will feed him.)

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• The situation may change quickly, so be prepared to adapt your plans accordingly. This could mean moving to a new location, finding new supplies, or even changing your identity.

(I’m not sure what “changing your identity" means. Maybe pretending you’re from another planet, too?

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Bard concludes: Ultimately, there is no guarantee of survival in the event of an alien invasion. However, by following these tips, you can increase your chances of making it through alive.

Bard’s final advice:

• Join an alien preparedness group. There are a number of groups that offer support and advice to people who are concerned about an alien invasion.

(I didn’t realize “alien preparedness group” is a real thing.)

I hope the UFOs don’t land this weekend. I still need to punch holes in my closet door.

Your claps, highlights, and comments are welcome.