Writing a mental health novel while fighting depression
I’ve been writing on Medium on and off for a little over a year now. In that time, I’ve written a mere six mental health articles and published five of those in my own publication, Stormy Minds. The reason behind my sporadic and inconsistent posting is that during that time I was also working on my debut novel about a suicidal young man embarking on a potentially lifesaving road trip around Ireland.
As you can probably tell, mental health is the driving force behind almost all of my work.
But now that novel is published, out in the world and living its own life, and I’m back on Medium, hoping to turn it into a regular part of my writing career.
I learned a lot about myself and my mental health while writing Dear Blue, and I can distil my findings into three main points:
• Writing gave me a safe space to explore difficult feelings
• Writing this particular story helped but also hurt my mental health
• My book is me and I am my book
Safe space
It goes without saying that creative activities give artists the opportunity to explore themes, feelings and subjects in a safe way. Whether it’s a painting, a song or a book, the world of our art is always just that little bit removed from our real-world everyday lives.
For me, I got to express my feelings of depression through a fictional character, Jay, who goes through the world with a scowl and a generous helping of snark. Jay and I struggle with the same mental illness, but Jay has the freedom to respond to depression venomously, by hating everyone and everything and looking out only for himself. I, Saoirse, do not have that same freedom. I have much to lose by acting the brat, so I created a character (consciously or not) with nothing to lose.
Jay got to be resentful, spiteful, and bitter about the cards he was dealt by the mental health gods; he didn’t have to feel guilt for any of his actions because he knew his life was coming to an end. I, meanwhile, have a beautiful life with a loving wife, supportive family, warm home, many cuddly pets and a writing career that’s in its infancy stage when it can still be anything it wants. But along with all those wonderful parts of my life, for no reason at all, I also have depression.
I have a life full of privilege and yet I still struggle. But unlike Jay, I have to keep my hurt on the inside. I can’t let the depression come out through scowls and biting words because I have loved ones to think about. Jay, though, he can say it all for me.
Through him, I got to express my inner whinier self, my anger at the world for plaguing me with mental illness. And because it’s art, no one likes me any less for it.
That’s not to say that all of Jay’s thoughts echo my own. In fact, a lot of my internal monologue is quite far removed from Jay’s inner workings. He is a work of fiction, after all. But writing Dear Blue allowed me to express my pain freely, without fear of hurting my loved ones. And that’s something I desperately needed.
Helped but hurt
Writing Dear Blue was undoubtedly a healing experience for me. I got to sort through some of my own childhood trauma through Jay’s past (with the help of some really good counsellors). But I can’t deny that sitting in those memories also harmed my mental health in a pretty big way.
Just to be clear: I have absolutely no regrets about writing this book or delving into those memories. I needed to work through them in order to scrub away some mental scars and the work that I did on myself will last for the rest of my lifetime. I have no regrets, but it was still bloody tough.
My writing was inextricably linked to my mental state, which is why it took me seven years to write this book. I wrote the first 50,000 words in about six weeks but the next 20,000 took closer to six years. Then the final 30,000 all came together in about two weeks.
As you can probably imagine, the struggle of that middle 20,000 words came from not understanding my own background… or how Jay could possibly make it through his own depression. It wasn’t until I worked intensely with my most recent counsellor for six months that I started to get my head around how I might manage to survive… and that finally meant that Jay might stand a chance as well.
I am my book
When I started writing, I had no idea how much of Jay’s story was actually my own. I thought it was just a bright spark of an idea that would ultimately become an experimental novel.
Until Blue, I was a fantasy writer and I had no intention of pivoting to YA dark comedy but I knew I needed to get this out of my system. So I decided I would write Jay’s story as a standalone novel and I would use it as a self-publishing experiment.
You see, I had no idea if I should pursue traditional publishing with my YA epic fantasy series so I figured I’d dabble with self-publishing to get a taste of how it all worked. And to do that, I needed a throwaway novel, one that could fail spectacularly if it wanted to, because it was simply an experiment.
But of course, my throwaway novel became my most precious debut novel.
It’s no longer just a self-publishing experiment; it’s a priceless part of who I am as a writer and I wouldn’t change a thing.
If you liked this story, please let me know by commenting or sending a few claps my way: it helps me figure out which content works well so I can write more of it.
If you’re interested in Jay’s story, you can purchase Dear Blue in both paperback and eBook format on Amazon.
Jay O’Lear is going to kill himself.
Maybe… Probably.
Depends on how the next week goes.
Armed with a pamphlet on mental hygiene from a doctor’s office, Jay sets off on a quest to conquer his depression. He gives himself seven days to follow the steps, road trip around Ireland and tackle the one and only item on his bucket list.
But if he isn’t cured by the end of the week, well, then it’s time to give up on life completely.
