Storylistening: Going deeper into what, who, and why

Modern life is burdened by the illusion that we are disconnected. That we look to “story” so often for an antidote reflects our illusion and its anxieties. Stories are connective. Stories are pervasive. Stories seem embedded in the human psyche. When we sense we are sliding away from each other, stories promise to bring us back from the brink.

“Be the hero of your own story” seems to be the motto of this age. So you would think that what we mean by “story” is clear.

It is not. In everyday life, its power is sensed more than measured. Its virtues are still unclear, because stories divide as easily as they unite.

The same ambiguity is found in “storyteller.”

“Truly, you are an excellent storyteller,” a quote dating back to 1657, could describe artistry or sophistry, someone tuned to deep truths or a deft deceiver (Oxford English Dictionary). We use storyteller in contradictory ways. Yet, when we encounter a compelling story and its teller, we have no doubt what we have experienced.

“Storylistener’’ is another story altogether. The Oxford English Dictionary takes no position on its possible meanings, jumping silently from “storyless” to “storyteller.” Whether a storyteller is storyless without a storylistener is a nice debate for another day. The word’s absence ensures that its possible meanings are even more limitless than story or teller. So it is important to define what I mean when I say “storylistener.”

Same old and new story

First, what I do not mean.

Picture an audience from any age. Sitting in the theater, nose in a book, ear glued to the radio, eyes riveted to the television set, or the movie screen, or the VR headset. The pinnacle of such an experience is narrative transportation, when an audience member experiences immersion, character identification, a lost sense of time and space, evoked by the power of a well-told narrative arc. That audience member is not what I mean when I say, “storylistener.”

Or picture algorithmic code, watching the numerous digital spaces where we are prompted to post our, “Stories.” It notes the number of likes, comments, shares, use of language, interest of topics, around a single post as well as the accumulation of posts around a single user. The compilation creates an identity to target for more use and for advertising. The pinnacle of such accumulation is to predict future posts’ success, to resurface popular “memories” in the name of attention, and to understand the identity’s wishes and needs. This code is also not what I mean when I say, “storylistener.”

Storylistening defined

What I do mean begins with how human beings develop an inner identity. How our bodies and mind interact with the many stimuli of the world, especially other people, and from those interactions how we develop a system of organic memories. Memories, at times, look like story arcs, but mostly are a mess of routines, vignettes, images, scraps. When retrieved they are placed into a larger context of place, time, need, and mood, which change regularly. That implies multiple versions of the self, which are in dialogue with each other to create a coherent “I” in the mind. What we remember shapes who we are.

Within the particular contexts of our lives, we construct themes about ourselves. We may see this self as a discrete unit facing the world, or we may see ourselves as part of a larger whole. We may see our stories as redemptive, moving from bad times to good, or we may see them as contaminated, moving from good to bad. How we frame our memories shapes who we are.

Our minds do not begin at neatly congruent sets of episodes, like a long-lasting sitcom or drama. That congruence you sense when you think of yourself is a complex system at work. The network of thoughts, interactions, cultural influences, experiences, identities, and themes, is constantly creating and maintaining a “storied self.” It is this notion of story that my definition of storylisteners relies upon:

Storylistening uses narrative know-how to actively engage in a relationship of understanding about the life of another. They do this so they can …

• “listen for the story” of someone who wishes or needs to be acknowledged; and
• use that knowledge to serve or better understand the who (the nature of their identity) of the teller rather than simply their what (a list of attributes).

By “listen the story out” of someone, I mean that through presence and practice, someone storylistening might help people find their storied selves, even if they are not natural storytellers. Or help people break out of their instinctual and well-worn scripts if they are.

Storylisteners explained

Storylisteners can base the work on a simple, but radical concept that, in the words of philosopher Adriana Cavarero, “… each human being is different from all those who have lived, who live, and who will live. Not because she is free from any other; on the contrary, the relation with the other is necessary for her self-designation as unique.”

Storylisteners guide the narrative that each human life promises through acts of intentional, and relational co-construction. As my colleague Dr. Elizabeth Parks puts it, “We listen each other into being.”

That is the most important, and the most challenging, work of storylistener — they bring their lives to the encounter, and are willing to tell as well as listen. Both are present.

In the end, storylisteners do not connect us. They dispel the illusion that we could have ever lived apart.