From Trauma to Heartbreak to Triumph

The one thing that saved my life

“I want to die.
I want to die.
I want to die.”

I remember making this song round about 800 days ago.

The voices in my head had taken over.
I already had surrendered myself for the devil.

Xanax.
Alcohol.
Opiates.
Weed.

There was more, but those were the main substances I was abusing.

I wasn’t even abusing them anymore, they abused me.

The empty shell I was just hunted for the “make me feel relatively okay” pills and bottles.

My true self was buried under all those layers of pain and suffering.
I was being led by demons, straight heading into the death pit.

But there was this one angel.
I don’t want to say her name.

My ex, my first real love.

She was the only light I had in those dark, pitch black times I was lost in.

We were together for quite a long time, round about 3 ½ years.

For all this time I was an addict, first year of our relationship I was deep down into weed and then the other dependencies developed really fast.

The harder the substances became, the more of an asshole I was.

To her.
To myself.
To my family.
To society.

I’ve hurt her quite a few times.
Not physically, but mentally.

I was so fucked up, and I didn’t want to break her.
I remember one day screaming at her face, begging her that she should leave me.

I knew that I was bad for her (mostly), I knew that I had made her cry many times.

But our love got stronger and stronger at the same time.

She wanted to stay with me.

And I couldn’t break up with her, I didn’t want to hurt her more than I already did.

I was caught in a dilemma.

The more fucked up I became, the more she felt responsible for helping me.
And she always gave her best.

But deep down, it destroyed her and robbed her of so many nerves.

After 3 years of being together with this addict asshole, who sometimes was very lovely and nice, and other times very egotistical and weird to her, she had enough.

She still loved me, but the relationship got so bad, and her the pain and burden she was carrying around inside was too much.

I was high 24/7 and couldn’t give her the love she was supposed to get.

She came over one day, crying her eyes out.

Yelling at me that she can’t do this anymore.

“I have to leave you Lenny if you don’t get help.”

I was bullet proof sure that getting sober of all these substances, especially Xanax, was impossible.

I could sense that she was dead serious this time.
(She told me this a few times before, I never took it serious)

Benzodiazepines really fuck with your hole brain, you lose yourself and you become this empty shell with demon like thinking patterns.

Fucked up, I tell you man this was really fucked up.

I had two choices.

Lose the only light in my life, my ex, to then kill myself in an instance because of the pain.

Or actually try to quit, hoping to keep her for another few weeks until I’d relapse.

(That’s what I thought)

I chose option 2.
Something inside me didn’t want to leave this planet so early.

Maybe there wasn’t anything inside me.

Maybe it was all because of her.

I took the last Xanax on the 23. of September 2021.

The days and weeks that followed were the worst weeks of my life.

Marked by mental and physical pain, thousands of different withdrawal symptoms and a constant feeling of panic, it made me hell.

One thing kept me going.
One thing was making sure I’d never give up.

Love.

For most part it was the love of my ex, but my mom and sister also played a role.

I could rely on them no matter how I felt.

And as soon as I got a little more stable (after 2 months).
I could somehow start to rely on myself.

Fighting for your life when love is involved was the best thing that could have happened to me.

I got stronger and stronger.
And the relationship with my ex got weaker and weaker.

The more stable I became, the more she was able to start solving all her unsolved traumas and problems.

Which she never could, because she always has put me in first place trying to help me.

Because I could help myself more and more on my own, she was able to focus more on her life and her problems.

That brought up some really bad experiences with me which she had to bury.
Therefore the relationship got worse and worse.

We started fighting more and more, and the connection got weaker and weaker.

Because of all the damage I have had to deal with, I’ve put 99% focus on myself during that time, and 1% on our relationship.

I had to make sure I was never gonna relapse.

I was rebuilding my mind and body, all while slowly but surely losing her.

And I couldn’t prevent it.

I had no clarity about what was going on.
I didn’t understand her behavior and problems.

Sorry.

We drifted more and more away from each other, and round about August of 2022 I broke up with her.

I knew she was suffering because of me, I couldn’t think of another option besides breaking up with her, so she could finally heal.

It was probably the best for her, I hope so.

Do I regret it?
I can’t change the past, therefore I don’t like to regret.

I do love her.
More than 1 year after, I still love her.

I buried these emotions deep down inside, in order to protect myself and her.

Trust me, I did a lot of mental work, sitting in terms with myself and figuring out how my brain works.

Love is too complex.
It’s routed in the heart.

I can’t kill this emotion, I don’t want to.

I can only work harder on myself and use this pain to fuel me.
I will probably never see her again.

The chance of us coming back together is similar to winning the jackpot.

But still, there is a glimpse of hope inside of me.

And I accepted my faith.

I am a warrior who escaped the purgatory, who is now working on himself, building his mind and body, building his business and fortune, building his relationships and taking care of himself.

All for the sake of taking care of others and helping them winning their mental battles.

And of course, I want to become the most high value man.

Another story.

I am grateful for all the pain I have felt.
I am grateful for the times with you my dear.

I am grateful for you my friend, coming this far and reading what my mind just created, all fueled by the transparent beauty of my heart, broken or not.

I don’t know.

Can I ever love again?
I feel cold.

Doesn’t matter.
I have things to do.

Problems to solve.
Goals to achieve.

LFG.

Remember.

Heartbreak is the most beautiful catalyst for growth.

Use it right.

-Lenny