When the mask falls
Shri, what happened? You seem dull. Are you fine?
My friend asked this question, and I replied, “I’m fine. You’re just overthinking.”
“Is that so? But still, I feel something is wrong. Remember, I am always there for you,” she said, and then she left, saying, “Bye, take care.”
I went home, ran inside my room, closed the door, sat on the floor, and closed my eyes.
“Shri, are you really fine?” I asked myself.
I don’t like doing the same things I used to. I don’t feel like talking to people I once enjoyed speaking with.
I don’t feel happy the way I used to. I don’t enjoy events like I did before, where I would dance like mad.
I don’t feel motivated to do the work I have to do. My happiness has a short lifespan. Sometimes I feel numb, sometimes overloaded with emotions. Sometimes I think a lot. I just look at nature and think a lot. I sit and scroll on my phone for long periods.
Am I really fine?
I can feel something breaking inside. My soul questions me every second.
When my friend asked how I was feeling, I should have told her directly that I really don’t feel okay. I feel suffocated even in large spaces. I don’t talk even when people are around me. I feel breathless even when there’s plenty of oxygen. But I didn’t say anything to her, and I don’t think I will to anyone else.
I am afraid people may call me mad or depressed.
People may judge or misunderstand me.
I don’t want to sit and think more but find a solution to it.
From childhood, teachers told me to question everything. So I thought I should apply this now.
What has happened to me?
Why am I behaving like this?
How has this happened to me?
I understood something has happened to me.
Why am I behaving like this?
I am feeling this way because I have been hiding my true self from people. I have learned to act fake. I remain happy even when I don’t feel like it. I don’t show my vulnerabilities to people. I took on a lot of responsibilities of making people happy. I lost myself in helping others find their true selves.
How?
I ended up here because of my habits. My habits of scrolling for a long time, not speaking when I need to, hiding myself, not talking to myself, staying away from family, always seeking pleasure and avoiding pain.
I dug deeper to find a solution. I have to heal myself.
How to do that?
- By talking to myself.
- By telling my friends how I actually feel.
- By showing my true self and not hiding.
- By taking rest, going out, trying to enjoy
- By learning to experience pain and not run away from it.
I need to heal through love, self-care, and talk.
I just feel like someone has taken a heavy bag from my shoulders, which I was holding for so long. I feel a little better. I feel light, relaxed.
This was my first step towards healing me and bringing the earlier me back.
Sometimes no one can find a solution to your problems, and sometimes people can find a solution.
But in my case, I knew that I had to find the solution by myself.
