The world of ‘what ifs’ and the world of fragrant memories
They say time waits for no one and it is true. It never stopped when her heart beats stopped, though, my world stopped. Those last glances, tensed moments and the vision of losing my mother still grip me. I still feel the chill of that night — The night when I saw her go, the night when I saw her look at me one last time, the night when I saw her try to talk to me… one last time. And the night when it dawned upon me that nothing in life is permanent — parents included. That night took away a lot of things from me. It took away the child in me. It took away the carefree spirit from me that I guess existed because I felt so protected by ma. Her death made me question the transient nature of life. It made me wonder about sickness and pain and it forced me to face myself and life. It also taught me that life just happens. And that, fairness and unfairness are terms that I attach to life, because honestly, life and the world just go on, regardless of what I call them to be.
The void never goes. However with time, one tries to accept the physical void because one learns that love surpasses everything. Love is the most potent healing force in this universe and the realization gradually dawned upon me that by closing my eyes and spending time in silence and cherishing as well as being grateful for all the love that my mother showered upon me made me feel miraculously closer to her. In those memories of intimate sharing and nonsensical chatter, meaningless giggles and endless talks, trivial arguments and huge fights reside the fragrance of the love my ma and me shared. The fragrance never came when I struggled to resist the absence of her physical form. The fragrance came to me when I allowed those memories to sprinkle upon me the fragrance of love.
Cherishing the love and gaining strength from memories is like a roller coaster ride. Sometimes life seems fantastic and sometimes, a fear grips you or you feel choked by a feeling of despair. The despair moments often come when there are reminders. Reminders in the form of occasions and places, dates and events that invitingly tempt me into a wishful thinking journey of ‘what ifs’ and ‘I wish you were here’. Life after losing a loved one is all about learning to live in a new way. It is about redefining the way you look at things. It is also about remembering to come back to the present every time you make that journey of visiting the past. In the initial days of grief, I wanted to live in the past and I clung to things and activities that made me feel the existence of the past — my life with ma. But, no two moments are alike. It is only when one stops and looks at moments that one realizes the uniqueness in each moment. It is like seeing a movie in a super slow motion. I often visit my past in a super slow motion especially the amazing, hilarious, contentment filled moments. When you remember to come back to the present, you bring with you the fragrances of the memories of the moments you witnessed in that super slow motion. And each time you also bring with you a thread of resilience. Each memory, each moment helps you live the love for your loved one by weaving that fragrant thread of resilience in your heart and soul.
The moments spent in loving each other become wonderful memories that have the strength to heal. They soothe the pain of all the ‘what ifs’ and ‘I wish’ moments. In these journeys of witnessing moments and in the art of learning to weave my soul with resilience, I have learned that love is a legacy. I have learned that each moment brings with it a choice to love and to be grateful for. I have also learned that when I let those memories sprinkle their fragrance upon me, I see glimpses of ma in me. I see signs from the universe with the assurance of that protection I thought I had lost. And I feel the love. Yes, there are moments of craving — those ‘I wish’ moments that pull me and say that you cant touch her, there is no warmth and there is no existence. But trust me, memories have fragrance, those lived moments have thread of resilience… it is just learning to how to let go of what you thought you have lost and embracing the love that is right within you.
