I tend to turn into a recluse sometimes blocking the world out and getting in my self-doubt — @IvanIrakoze #MisimuZangu
Dreams. Everyone has them. They’re nice to have. But they’re incredibly hard to pursue. Not everyone can and not everyone wants to. Some days, most days, I wonder why I’m still chasing mine. The one negative thing about chasing your dreams is the crippling self-doubt that comes with it. Lately I’ve been questioning myself constantly, asking myself whether or not I should keep chasing these dreams I had a long time ago; whether or not I should just ‘grow up’ and settle for what most people settle for: an average routine-based life. I’ve been wondering if life would be greener on the other side. Yet for some reason I’m still at it. Maybe partly because of purpose and partly because too many people are behind me willing me to succeed.
I live by many quotes from people I admire but here are a few:
“Do not let this Universe regret you.” — Marty McConnell
“An average life is a mare but dreams fulfilled are better” — Me (Yes I admire myself, look at me LMAO)
“What I conceive, closer to achieve” — Tupac (I probably live by 100 quotes from this guy alone lol)
I’m 25 now, turning 26 in September. I used to think I’d have life figured out by now, but I’ve come to realize that no one ever has life completely figured out, it’s a constant learning process. At least I have my purpose figured out I think: I know what I’m good at, I’m doing things I love, and I’ve got a plan for it all. I shouldn’t be worried about much yet for some reason I can’t help it. I think it’s most likely out of fear — the fear of failure. It’s been consuming me lately, for the past few months, probably ever since my last relapse. I could easily call it quits on my dreams and settle for something simple. I’ve had plenty of opportunities to do so and I have an excuse that many would find acceptable: an autoimmune disease that could probably hit me harder sometime in the near future so I could give up, save my time, and take the easy route. That’s one way of looking at it. Another is looking at MS as a blessing in disguise: a realization that time is running out so I have none to waste and I should stay focused on my goals and achieve them ASAP. Those two ways of looking at it alternate in mind all the time. And to be honest, I’m about a year behind schedule on my plans with everything that’s happened. I once told a friend of mine who was interviewing me about my plans and how I’d like to be remembered. He told me not many people in their twenties think about leaving a legacy. I wish I’d told him that many of them are yet to lose that feeling of invincibility, not many live with the likelihood that life can change at any moment.
I’ll be honest and admit that even if I were to fail after having jumped off this cliff in my attempt to take flight and reach for the stars, I’d still land on a relatively decent safety net down there somewhere. I’m blessed to have that. So it’s not as if failure means the end, more like I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I did. I’ve even come up with a character who is basically me from the future (Later) just to try and illustrate the disappointment I’d have in myself if I were to fail and at the same time, the lofty ambitions I set for myself. I really do not want to disappoint Later. Hence the questions over whether I’m doing the right thing and in the right way. Later never answers me clearly when we talk about it though. He sucks for that lol.
So there’s the fear of disappointing myself that gets to me, but there’s something even worse than that for me: the fear of disappointing others. There are people out there, my family included, who want to see me succeed. People who would do a lot to support me in any way. Don’t get me wrong, I am forever grateful for that and I consider those who aren’t part of my direct family still as family, but it does scare me if I think about it for too long. Where do I go? How do I realize this vision I have that they trust in? How do I not f*ck this up? And failing them would be something I don’t know if I’d be able to handle.
I do however know that I cannot achieve my dreams on my own and would like to thank those who are part of this journey I’m on.
Anyway that’s been on my mind for the longest time now and I thought I’d get it off my chest. I tend to turn into a recluse sometimes blocking the world out and getting in my self-doubt, so if you’ve made it this far in the post, know that I appreciate you. I don’t know if any of this made any sense, I just started writing whatever came to mind. This post was long tho!
And to those of you who show so much strength in the face of adversity, here’s another quote I live by:
“You gotta find a way to survive coz they win when your soul dies.” — Tupac
Stay strong.
