Is awkward silence 2022’s most valuable soft skill?
Working on your painful pauses? Not recommended. But if you have to, here’s how you can make them more effective.
“The rule of awkward silence is simple: When faced with a challenging question, instead of answering, you pause and think deeply about how you want to answer. This is no short pause; rather, it involves taking several seconds (10, 20, or longer) to think things through before responding. If you’re on the receiving end — and not used to this type of communication style — it can seem very awkward.”
— Justin Bariso, Inc. Magazine
Imagine this. You’re at a face-to-face meeting with a prospective client and you ask him a simple question: “Do you like milk with your coffee?”
He goes mysteriously silent.
The silence, you estimate, lasts anywhere from 10 to 15 seconds.
It’s excruciating. Mind-numbing.
Just when you think everyone in the room will die of anticipation, he says: “Yes.”
Such a simple reply and yet something about the timing transforms the whole meeting. Everyone perks up and views the client as an oracle of uncommon wit, business acumen and decisiveness.
Can you see it?
We’re guessing not.
And yet every so often the idea of awkward silence as a sage communication style makes the rounds in business blogs, making us wonder: “Is it finally time to revamp our soft skills?”
Hold on to that thought for approximately three more minutes.
What is awkward silence and where does it come from? (A theory)
If you say something to me, and I look down at my lap like maybe I heard you and maybe I didn’t, I’m exercising a form of awkward silence.
Humans weren’t the first species to recognize the value of going mute at key junctures in social transactions. In fact, the great apes have been practicing awkward silence for over 60,000 years.
Just close your eyes and see the stoic, long-suffering orangutan when you toss her a Cheeto at the zoo — instead of giving her something useful like a shiv, blowtorch or a key to her cage.
That moment in the social exchange, when you assume the great ape is mutely appreciating your offensive gift, is really the ape’s painful attempt at not judging you for the simpleton you are.
This is awkward silence.
Over time, in the minds of homo sapiens, awkward silence came to be confused for decorum. In the Middle Ages, for instance, when hygiene was still an issue, it was considered rude to make a point of someone else’s noisome odors. Instead, you maintained an awkward silence.
Sometimes for decades.
Centuries later, powerful men like Elon Musk adopted this as an interview technique.
Awkward silences in the modern era
Of course, Elon Musk isn’t the only champion of awkward silence, though Musk’s silences, which weigh in at five seconds minimum, are weighty enough, especially when delivered at restaurants before paying a bill.
Apple CEO Tim Cook is apparently also “known for long, uncomfortable pauses, when all you hear is the sound of his tearing the wrapper of the energy bars he constantly eats.” (At least one Apple insider has claimed that Cook also answers the telephone and orders coffee that way.)
This is probably no coincidence. Former Apple CEO Steve Jobs was also a huge believer in awkward silence and became a trendsetter when he once paused for a whole 10 seconds (10 seconds!) before delivering a marketer’s coup de grâce to a divisive troll at a live presentation who dared to question his coding skills.
Jobs’ slightly delayed answer — “You’re right, but I’m trying my best here!” — froze the troll to his core.
Ok, but can I use awkward silence to grow my business?
You can. But just keep these 10 guidelines in mind whenever you deploy this risky business tactic.
1. Awkward silence? What awkward silence?
Your awkward silence is your little secret and yours alone. Never refer to it directly by name. Never even allude to it. If someone questions you about it, go blank-eyed and give them a distant, pitying smile.
2. Don’t underestimate the power of a silence totem
Tim Cook has his energy bars. You should have a totem of your own to focus your quiet thoughts. This could be a bookmark, a glue gun or a miniature airplane with your name on the cockpit door.
3. Always say something at the end of your silence
The longer you pause, the greater the expectation. Always have something to say at the end of your private ruminations, if only: “Do you see this glue gun? I made it myself.”
4. Avoid human eye contact
The most awkward thought leaders optimize their awkwardness by avoiding eye contact while deep in thought. You can do the same. Instead of looking your audience in the eye, direct your interior cogitations at an empty chair where an invisible colleague of your own devising is sitting. Give your colleague a name, like Mr. or Mrs. Thinkerton, if it helps.
5. One awkward silence per room please
Never deliver an awkward silence if someone in the room already has. The last thing you ever want is to get caught in a stalemate of dueling silences.
6. Be prepared to defend your silence (with silence)
If someone calls you out for your awkward silence, answer them. But pause first, even if the second silence comes in the middle of an awkward silence you’re already delivering. Remember, Steve Jobs once deployed two awkward silences back to back, the first for 10 seconds, the next for eight! When the camera panned back to his interlocutor, he had disappeared in a fine mist of adrenaline molecules.
7. Reserve awkward silences for face-to-face meetings
Pretty obvious, but awkward silence doesn’t work over Zoom or Skype. People will just assume your screen’s frozen.
8. Remember why you’re being silent
Don’t feel pressured into producing gems of insight after your silence. Nobody is expecting that. In fact, clarity of thought isn’t even your goal. Establishing your authority as a thinker is the goal of all awkward silence.
9. Go ahead, bask in your silence
If anyone praises either your awkwardness or your silence, extend both for at least a minute and a half.
10. Never combine awkward silence with another variety of silence
Not all silences are quality business tools. Cocky silence or petulant silence, for example, will just make you pathetic in the eyes of your business associates.
The take-away
All joking aside, the main thing to remember about awkward silence is: it’s awkward. For that reason, we can’t really recommend it as an interpersonal skill or communication technique. Just watch this interview with Elon Musk if you have any lingering doubt. (Fast forward to minute 20.)
But if you are keen on collecting your thoughts at the expense of smooth, two-way communication, here’s some real advice.
Don’t do it at your first meeting with a new client or at a pitch.
Further down the line, when you’ve been working together for a while, if you ever detect a moment that’s ripe for awkward silence, go for it. Just alert the table that you’re going into your “private place” for a second and that you’ll be right back.
Finally, as you’ve probably noticed, in the hands of a master presenter like Steve Jobs, awkward silence is always performative. Jobs may actually be collecting his thoughts — or in this case, managing his anger — but he’s also performing that silence to full effect.
At the very beginning of this article I asked you to project yourself into a hypothetical meeting with a prospective client. Now I’m going to ask you again.
But this time the client is going to ask you a question. It’s a question you’ve been asked many times before: “At what point do copywriters enter the website building process?”
Do you steeple your hands on the point of your chin, look down at the client’s shoes, sigh, shudder, and then go blank for 10 more seconds while the client chews on a pencil to keep his jaw from unhinging?
Or do you nod and say: “Good question,” think for a second or two and begin to explain your job?
