A gift to broken adults, who were once broken children

You seem to not have life set up right. Something is messed up in your world and you don’t know what is it.

You thought you got it, you have dealt with your past. After all, you are an adult, and adults deal with things.

You talk to your parents. You might even have a therapist. You are trying to pull it together. But sometimes, you can’t put your fingers on it, you feel that the key you were given wasn’t the right key.

• Perhaps you came out of a poor family and your needs weren’t cared for properly. Your meals were intermittent, your mum and dad were already stressed out as it is, you didn’t want to burden them. You knew your place.
• Perhaps you begged your parents to not get a divorce because they were your world. It didn’t matter that it was hell most of the time, you wanted them to be your rock, and they failed miserably.
• Perhaps your childhood was normal, by society standards — you are fed, clothed, sent to school. But something was missing. And then there was something a little too much. Too many expectations for you to be a certain way. And you’ll pay for it if you don’t reach those standards.

There are a million ways you can break a cup of glass. There are a million ways you can break a child’s heart. And most of the time, people are not aware of doing that. Most of the brokenness comes from good intention with wrong delivery. Some of the brokenness come from selfishness and some from pure evil. Yes, evil does exist.

We don’t get to choose, and it is not very fair!

I won’t tell you to pick yourself up and just deal with it like you have heard a billion times.

I am here to tell you, that you are not alone. I am here to deliver a gift of a reminder: there are people out there, your people, who see you and understand you. They do exist.

This is to every child and adult out there, if you have once felt helpless and distrust. If you couldn’t stand up for yourself. If you ever felt incomplete. If you ever faced the world completely alone. If you carry a mountain of responsibilities and expectations. If you ever felt that you weren’t enough.

It was not your fault.
It was never your fault.

There are broken people.

Broken adults walking around

Covered in clothes and smiles, and competence.

They were once broken children.

With a broken home.

And a broken world.

Coming with a broken dream.

.

They never knew they were damaged.

They thought it was so normal

… to be abused.

To be left behind.

To be feeling not good enough.

To face a tremendous amount of expectations and responsibilities.

To not living their full potential.

To want to run away

Far far away.

To stop the pain.

To stop doubting.

To trust.

Oh, they don’t know how to trust.

.

They don’t know what the ‘right’ look like.

What it should feel like.

They never saw it, never experience it.

But they know all too well, what ‘wrong’ is

How to push, to drive the other person crazy

They know how to pay attention to all little details

To overanalysing them

To overthinking them

To make account in their head

To wait for departure

They know how to ruin things…

That was all they know,

How to end

.

They can count on the pain

They choose the wrong people

Who only cause them more pain

But those pain are known and familiar

They have been there before

Love didn’t exist

Trust didn’t exist

Freedom didn’t exist

There is only sadness

And pain

So sad

So scary

So lost

.

I will do anything

I will be anything you want

Just love me, damn it

Just cover me like a blanket of warmth

Just stay, don’t be like them

Just give me the love

All I ever wanted

.

Starved. I starved for years and years.

For love and affections

For understanding and trust

I craved those things

And it shows…

.

This is what it meant to be broken

You don’t know if you should pick up the pieces

What do you do with them anyway?

Or you should just leave it there

And let it cut you again and again

.

Who are you?

What do you do with your self?

What is your voice?

What is your unique, amazing gift to the world

Why are you here?

Do you count?

.

When it can be ok to stop hiding?

When will you be enough?

Thalia Phamova writes about growth through the lens of Stoicism, Buddhism and Taoism. Follow to read more!