Image for post
Image for post

Fucking is an advanced practice

Ken Blackman
Feb 28, 2018 · 3 min read

In a recent Facebook Live I did on physical intimacy, I said “fucking is an advanced practice.” This comment drew a lot of questions.

It’s a bit like food. Hard to think of any activities more basic, more fundamental to the continuation of life, than eating and fucking. Breathing comes to mind.

But unless you’re a dedicated meditator it’s hard to find much richness or nuance in the act of breathing. For us humans though, it’s a different story with food. A meal can be prepared with such skill and artistry, and consumed with such mindful savoring and enjoyment, as to create an experience we remember fondly months or years later.

That’s how it can be that people will travel great distances and pay great sums for an expertly prepared gourmet meal, and be forever glad they did.

Well sex is another sensual activity that can be raised to that level of a gourmet experience of a lifetime.

But in my comment to my Facebook group, I meant something different as well. Even as sex acts go, there’s a lot to fucking.

As we progress in our mastery of each other’s genitals we start to become strongly aware that crotch-on-crotch sex like fucking has a whole layer of complexity to it that is absent from one-crotch-at-a-time sex like cock sucking, pussy licking, or a hand job. (Each of which can be quite exquisite and nuanced in themselves.)

Once we’ve really started to master each other’s genitals —

and by this I mean things like, we can create any amount, intensity, and variety of pleasurable sensation in our partner’s body, for as long as we want, taking them or keeping them as close to the edge as we want for as long as we want, taking them over or not and having them feel completely fulfilled and gratified either way —

and we can do this with such skillful expertise that any attempt on their part to “help” or exert control only lessens their experience, so that their best option is to fully relax, relinquish all control, and allow their body to be completely taken over by the sensation —

once we really understand what it takes to pleasure each crotch, we start to really appreciate the added subtleties involved in two-crotch sex.

How do two highly sensitive body parts get stimulated in just the right way while rubbing against each other, when they’re so different and respond differently?

How do I simultaneously have my full attention on my own bodily pleasure, and also attend to my partner’s pleasure?

How do I simultaneously co-create, and completely surrender to, the experience?

The answers to these questions don’t live in a single article like this, any more than the skill of a fine chef can live in a single recipe you find while googling French cuisine.

The first step, and my point here, is for you to start to really appreciate the questions, and to begin to have an inkling of the depth and breadth of what’s possible, if you haven’t thought about it or experienced it before.

Copyright © 2017 by Ken Blackman. All rights reserved.

About the author:

Ken’s passion topic these days is how women’s empowerment intersects with intimate coupledom. A former Apple software engineer turned international sex and intimacy educator turned relationship coach, Ken is in his 20th year helping couples co-create, bond, have great sex, thrive, and live happily ever after. His work has garnered mentions in Business Insider, Playboy, Cosmo, Tim Ferriss’s 4-Hour series and elsewhere. Find out more at kenblackman.com.

Sex + Connection

Direct, honest discourse on relationships, sex, and life

Ken Blackman

Written by

Relationship and intimacy coach. https://kenblackman.com/

Sex + Connection

Direct, honest discourse on relationships, love, sex, and life

Ken Blackman

Written by

Relationship and intimacy coach. https://kenblackman.com/

Sex + Connection

Direct, honest discourse on relationships, love, sex, and life

Medium is an open platform where 170 million readers come to find insightful and dynamic thinking. Here, expert and undiscovered voices alike dive into the heart of any topic and bring new ideas to the surface. Learn more

Follow the writers, publications, and topics that matter to you, and you’ll see them on your homepage and in your inbox. Explore

If you have a story to tell, knowledge to share, or a perspective to offer — welcome home. It’s easy and free to post your thinking on any topic. Write on Medium

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store