Fucking is an advanced practice

In a recent Facebook Live I did on physical intimacy, I said “fucking is an advanced practice.” This comment drew a lot of questions.

It’s a bit like food. Hard to think of any activities more basic, more fundamental to the continuation of life, than eating and fucking. Breathing comes to mind.

But unless you’re a dedicated meditator it’s hard to find much richness or nuance in the act of breathing. For us humans though, it’s a different story with food. A meal can be prepared with such skill and artistry, and consumed with such mindful savoring and enjoyment, as to create an experience we remember fondly months or years later.

That’s how it can be that people will travel great distances and pay great sums for an expertly prepared gourmet meal, and be forever glad they did.

Well sex is another sensual activity that can be raised to that level of a gourmet experience of a lifetime.

But in my comment to my Facebook group, I meant something different as well. Even as sex acts go, there’s a lot to fucking.

As we progress in our mastery of each other’s genitals we start to become strongly aware that crotch-on-crotch sex like fucking has a whole layer of complexity to it that is absent from one-crotch-at-a-time sex like cock sucking, pussy licking, or a hand job. (Each of which can be quite nuanced in themselves.)

Once we’ve really started to master each other’s genitals —

and by this I mean things like, we can create any amount, intensity, and variety of pleasurable sensation in our partner’s body, for as long as we want, taking them or keeping them as close to the edge as we want for as long as we want, taking them over or not and having them feel completely fulfilled and gratified either way —

and we can do this with such skillful expertise that any attempt on their part to “help” or exert control only lessens their experience, so that their best option is to fully relax, relinquish all control, and allow their body to be completely taken over by the sensation —

once we understand each other’s bodies so well that we can play them that exquisitely on a crotch-by-crotch basis, we start to really appreciate the added subtleties involved in two-crotch sex.

How do two highly sensitive body parts get stimulated in just the right way while rubbing against each other, when they’re so different and respond differently?

How do I simultaneously have my full attention on my own bodily pleasure, and on my partner’s pleasure?

How do I simultaneously co-create, and completely surrender to, the experience?

The answers to these questions don’t live in a single article like this, any more than the skill of a fine chef can live in a single recipe you find while googling French cuisine.

The first step, and my point here, is for you to start to really appreciate the questions, and to begin to have an inkling of the depth and breadth of what’s possible, if you haven’t thought about it or experienced it before.

Welcome to Sex School, a series on sex, intimacy, communication, how our bodies respond, and how to have a fantastic sex life in the context of a great long-term relationship. Ken Blackman has been teaching workshops and coaching couples for 18 years. To find out about the upcoming Sex School workshop, or about working with Ken, contact him at ken@kenblackman.com.