Why “start before you’re ready” can be a bad advice
When my nephew was younger he had a funny little habit. Whenever he got a new piece of clothes or pair of shoes, he didn’t want to immediately put it on. Instead, he asked my sister to put the item on a chair in his room. Then he waited. He watched the new thing. He examined it. He familiarized himself with it. And then, three to five days later, he would decide that he’s ready and he would wear the new thing.
Most of the kids love gifts and new clothes and are eager to wear new shoes or jacket. But not my nephew. It used to take him a while to process things, to familiarize himself with the novelty and get comfortable with it. My sister let him play his little game. She let him take it slowly, gradually, at his own pace. She let him take the time and wait until he’s ready.
(And after a while, he stopped the familiarization with new clothes. Now he puts a new thing on immediately and enjoys.)
Observing his little game with new clothes made me think and wonder…
How many times have we pushed ourselves into the new “shoes” before we were ready and ended up in pain? How many times did we desperately want something to happen and we pushed, pushed, pushed? How many times have we ignored our little voice saying: “No, not right now…”?
Too often I am blaming myself for “not pushing myself enough”. Now when I think, it’s ridiculous for someone who does PhD in engineering and has a consistent writing practice. What other push do I want? You know, I see a lot of stuff on the Internet. I could run marathons or do triathlons or start a nonprofit. Or a business. When I think these thoughts, every cell in my body starts crying: “Nooooooooooooo!!!” Every cell of my body knows that I am already pretty stretched. Every cell of my body knows that I am fighting some big battles right now and that I don’t need more pushing, but rather some acceptance and peace.
Habit change experts say that today is the best day to start the new habit. Don’t wait for the magical moment, don’t delay your life. I partially agree. Yes, it is important to seize the day and start is often the hardest. But sometimes we are not ready.
We think it would be a good idea for us to change, but we are facing a huge resistance, health issues, needs of a growing family or too much stress. We are so bombarded by the ideas how life should look like that we know exactly what we should want. But sometimes, the things that we should want do not fit into our life at the moment.
For example, we all know how important it is to forgive. Gabby Bernstein says: “The first question about forgiveness is: do you actually want to forgive?” If we ask ourselves this question, sometimes we’ll shamefully realize that we don’t want to. At least not yet. But it’s OK. We need to sit with our anger, fear and shame. And then, the time will come when we’ll be ready to release the emotional baggage and forgive. It is a process we have to trust in.
“Do you want to be right or happy?” is a simple question and we all know that “happy” is the correct answer. But here’s the thing: sometimes we’ll want to be right before we can qualify for “happy”.
The story about me quitting my weekend smoking defeats all the conventional wisdom about the habits. I was ashamed of my weekend smoking practice and I knew I will eventually stop. I just didn’t know when will “eventually” be. And then after one insanely long party, I woke up the next morning with a hangover and told myself: “You’re done.” I dumped the cigarette package with one cigarette left in it and never smoked again. Easy peasy.
When we push ourselves to start before the time is right, we are doing it out of fear. Fear of missing out, fear that the competition will steal all of our clients, fear that we are not doing what we should be doing, fear that not forgiving will block our energy and the flow of money, fear that we are not good enough just the way we are. When we choose to wait until the timing is right, we are doing it out of trust. Trust in the abundance, friendly universe, the process that helps us evolve and learn lessons we are supposed to learn, trust in our own greatness.
There is the time for everything. Some seasons are for growth and radical changes, some are for trail blazing, and some are for rest, recovery, and processing. None of them is worse than the others, they are all the part of the cycle.
There is no reason for us to push to get out of the resting season because the resting season yields many benefits. That is when we learn the lessons and become wise. That’s when our ideas are marinating. That’s when we gather the energy for something new and big. Trust the process.
For now, it is quite enough to declare your dreams and desires, and your willingness to change. To put the new pair of shoes in the room, as my nephew used to do. And then wait. And trust. And listen. When you’re ready, you will know. You will. When the student is ready, the teacher appears. You don’t have to push. Don’t let the buzz from the outside world outspeak your inner wisdom.
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