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Deals: Portion-Controlled Snacks Available in Extra Large Value Bag!
All the portions you’re used to, with more packaging!
Early Monday, America’s collective Mother announced an exciting discovery. That snack you love is available in a giant bag of smaller bags containing the treat. This news comes at a time when we’re all feeling the effects of overconsumption to compensate for emptiness in other aspects of our lives.
“I know we’re all trying to lose weight,” said Mother, side-eyeing our sister, “But that doesn’t mean you can’t treat yourself.”
“This is going to be fantastic for my diet,” says Garrick Partridge. “I was thinking I’d have to eat vegetables or some gross shit. With these little value bags, I can take a hit of the various fats and sugars that I’ve come to find as my only true comfort in life.”
“This is going to be a disaster,” replied Partridge’s younger sister. “We’re just eating the same amount with more plastic. In fact, the amount of plastic in the ocean-” She then blabbed on for a while.
“Mom came through with this giant bag of snacks,” says Richard Davis. “She said it’d be perfect to offer everyone a little snack at a dorm party or something. That way I could be social and not worry about the pressure to buy or eat too much. She’s always looking out for me.”
At press time, Richard has eaten a total of 26 servings alone in his dorm.
