Resilience: Fully Embrace Your Past to Be Free
A lot has been said about resilience and how some people can get over traumatic events more easily than others. In short, resilience is the capacity to become stronger and recover quickly after difficult times and events. For me, resilience is the Holy Grail of psychology, and I dedicated the last few years to learn how to be more resilient and get over my own traumas, which I had more than my share of.
The thing with trauma is that one single bad experience can release a chain of repetitive situations that keeps the person living “the same” moment again and again. The first event represents only the seed of a life coloured by the shadow of this experience.
Behavioural patterns lead to experience patterns and vice versa. This creates a cycle that can last forever if you don’t take it in your own hands. When I first explored the concept of resilience I had this deep belief that it was some kind of gift that some had and others just didn’t, like me. After a deep introspection I understood that I was I experiencing some weird comfort in the idea of being a victim in almost every situation in my life, and that I’d prefer denial better than responsibility.
I wasn’t being resilient because I had decided that it was not my thing. Convinced that I couldn’t ever make myself feel better.
Reality was quite different, though, and a couple of years later I approached resilience again, this time with the deep desire of getting to decode it, to see the big picture, to break the patterns, and most of all to change my own life. Today, I’m stronger, wiser, happier than I’ve ever been… let me tell you the lessons I got in my quest for resilience.
Responsibility, not denial
Responsibility equals power; you can take the power back but first you have to accept “your part” of each situation with unbridled honesty.
Most traumas leave people with a powerless feeling about their own life. If you were victim of some kind of violence, injustice or abuse, you ended probably feeling like you lost your capacity to decide and that it made you weaker for the rest of your days.
The big misconception here is that even if you were the victim of this traumatic situation, you CAN decide whether or not you keep repeating the same dynamic in the future. Your past and your baggage do not define you. You may not be responsible for what happened to you, but you ARE responsible to move on, which means you are responsible for the patterns that you keep repeating… This doesn’t mean to deny how you felt or diminish other people’s faults, it means that you are no longer waiting for someone to change your situation, it means you are tired enough of a powerless life and that you are willing to step forward into the world and take the decisions you know are good for you. It means you are no more living in inertia, but moving into action.
Decision-making, a daily process
One other misconception I had was the belief that once I found a solution for my negative patterns and anxiety I’d have a happily ever after life, where I was always on top of things and be blessed with some kind of magical solution that would last forever. How beautiful would that be? No more struggle, never ever.
Well, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that there is no magical solution that will last forever (It sucks, I know). The good news is that if you act upon the following advice, your struggles and anxiety will decrease until they become noise once in a while that you can easily control. How cool is that?
Well, this “not magical but effective solution” is decision-making and action. Whenever you are stressed out or anxious you probably feel that there is a battlefield between the way you feel and the way you think you should feel. Instead of repressing your emotions try to make the decision that the “better version of you” would make.
Feeling good is a result of taking your power back, not a prerequisite to take action.
If you are scared about doing something and taking action, but deep inside you know that the fear is coming from trauma and not from a real perception of danger, then do it even if you are scared. Just do it. Do it so you can see that you are that strong, do it so you can feel the power that you have over your own life, do it so you can start breaking the negative beliefs about yourself that make you feel inadequate and anxious.
This decision-making is not a one shot thing, it’s a process that you will have to repeat every time you feel stuck within yourself. But believe me, it will become easier and easier every single time, until things you thought impossible for you become part of who you are.
Start loving yourself. Do whatever is best for you in each situation
Whenever you feel stuck with a decision, remember that an easy identification signal is to do whatever is the best for you. This can sound selfish but is not. It’s part of the process of ending victimization. If you choose (consciously or unconsciously) what is better or convenient for others and not for you, you are perpetuating the “victim and victimizer” cycle.
Choosing what is best for you comes with great responsibility. You will be assuming 100% the result of these decisions and this can be very scary. You can no longer point fingers to others for what happens in your life. But I promise, you will feel free and you will grow more than you ever did before. You will increase your self-love and your capacity to affirm yourself, and finally claim your power back.
Don’t underestimate the power of a good lifestyle
People who experience post traumatic anxiety need to cope with something that usually takes the form of an obsession or an addiction. Food, work, alcohol, drugs, sex, TV, gaming, or just pure drama are part of the list. But all of these are only a way of “escaping” the pain temporarily. Trying to ignore anxiety only makes it bigger, like a noise that takes over the whole place.
The form of the addiction doesn’t matter; it’s a net negative in your life. It makes you feel weak, powerless, dependent, scared, out of control, and ashamed. So you have a lot to win if you get rid of your own addictions. Try to gain your power back by becoming “obsessive” over positive things like sports, meditation, healthy cooking or healthy eating, etc. Instead of repressing your feelings, try to listen to them carefully so you can have a nice relationship with yourself to become a solution seeker rather than living repression and denial. Eat well so you can feel energetic and fresh, and accomplish objectives. Sleep well so you don’t mistake fatigue for anxiety. Purge your life of negativity and drama (people, news, movies, etc) so you feel safer and not paranoid.
Ok, let’s recap. The important points I got in my journey towards resilience:
- Resilience is a decision process more than a talent. So start making decisions that are good for you and that break negative patterns that you keep repeating.
- Don’t wait until it feels “good” or for “the perfect moment” to start making changes. Good feelings will come along after good decisions and associated actions.
- Detox from addictions and drama and try to replace bad habits for “feel-good” habits (that includes people!)
- Choosing what is best for you is the best way to take back your power and break “victim — victimizer” cycles.
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Maria Rojas
