Traumatic Love: Free of Manipulation
Rahul Jairaj, 05/2024
“Ungrateful Love”
For a long time, I thought I was in love. I was deeply entangled in a relationship that felt all-consuming and intense. But as time went on, it became clear that what I was experiencing wasn’t love; it was manipulation. She was a narcissistic person, always finding ways to control and undermine me. Despite the constant red flags and the gnawing feeling that something was deeply wrong, I felt powerless to change my situation.
Living under her thumb was like being in a fog. Every decision, every thought, seemed to revolve around her needs and her approval. She had a way of twisting things, making me feel like I was the problem, that I was lucky to have her. It was emotionally exhausting, and yet, for a long time, I couldn't muster the strength to leave.
Eventually, though, something inside me snapped. We broke up and parted ways, and it was as if a heavy weight had been lifted from my shoulders. But freedom didn't come without a cost. The experience left me traumatized, my sense of self shattered. I had to seek counseling to begin piecing myself back together.
Counseling was a lifeline. Through it, I started to understand the dynamics of our relationship and how deeply she had manipulated me. I learned about narcissistic behavior, gaslighting, and emotional abuse. It was painful to confront these truths, but it was also the first step toward healing.
Over time, I began to reclaim my life. I started to feel a sense of freedom and autonomy that I hadn't felt in years. It was liberating, yet I couldn't shake the unease that followed me. Even now, the mere mention of her name or a reminder of those days can send a shiver down my spine. It's like an old wound that has healed but still aches when the weather changes.
Breaking free from her grip was crucial for my well-being. I've come to value my own needs and boundaries in a way I never did before. I've learned to recognize the signs of manipulation and to stand up for myself. This journey has been tough, and the scars are still there, but they remind me of how far I've come.
Looking back, I see that the love I thought I had was never real love. True love is free from manipulation and control. It's based on mutual respect, trust, and support. What I went through was a painful lesson, but one that ultimately led me to a healthier, more self-aware place. Now, I know better. I know that love should never make you feel powerless or small. And for that knowledge, I am grateful.
