A Ramadan Lesson on Self Love

“(Muhammad), tell my servants who have committed injustice to themselves, “Do not despair of the mercy of God. God certainly forgives all sins. He is All-forgiving and All-merciful.” (Quran 39:53)

Forgiveness is key in the Quran as well as in the holy texts of many other religions. Muslims emphasize the importance of forgiveness when dealing with family and friends.

Yet many people often forget the importance of forgiving themselves.

Self love and self care are concepts that our culture is just starting to talk more about.

But there is unfortunately a misconception that self love = selfishness.

This is not true.

Self love is taking care of yourself. Selfishness is taking care of yourself in a way that harms others. If you can be kind to yourself as well as others, that is the best of all worlds.

Being constantly hard on yourself will not help other people. Can a flower bloom if it’s constantly being stomped on? Can you make someone else’s life better by making your own life worse? This is not the way it works.

Self love and self forgiveness are concepts that I have long struggled with. It wasn’t until I was in my early 30’s, when I got cancer, that I started to learn about the importance of self care. I have long been my own worst critic.

This was a lesson that I struggled with in particular last Ramadan.

For those who are unfamiliar with Islam, Ramadan is the ninth month of the Islamic calendar, and it is considered to be the most holy month for Muslims. It is a time of spiritual reflection, self-improvement, and devotion to God. During Ramadan, Muslims fast from dawn until sunset, abstaining from food, drink, and other physical needs. The fast is intended to help Muslims become more spiritually disciplined, to strengthen their faith, and to show solidarity with those who are less fortunate.

Since I converted to Islam in late 2020, I have struggled to complete my fast because of health issues. In 2022 I was excited to fast with my husband for the first time since we got married. I decorated the living room with star shaped string lights in the windows, as well as golden moons and lantern decorations hanging from the wall. I made plans to do Taraweeh (an optional night prayer with 8–20 cycles of standing, kneeling and prostrating). I even decided to help one of my friends from the mosque start a charity.

But then after one week of fasting and all my other activities, my fibromyalgia and anxiety kicked in. I experienced burning pain in my legs. Standing and kneeling in prayer became agony, especially during the long Taraweeh prayer. At that time I hadn’t learned how to get my fibromyalgia under control. I was so mad at myself. I internally yelled at myself for being weak and for struggling with this most important religious duty when even teenagers can do it. I felt like I was letting God down. And the angrier I got at myself, the worse my pain got.

After 14 days I had to stop fasting. I was so disappointed with myself. But after some time, I processed what happened and realized I learned a valuable lesson last Ramadan. If we are supposed to be loving and forgiving to others, we must also extend this kindness to ourselves. After all, if one of my friends was experiencing the same problem would I yell at them? Absolutely not.

We cannot succeed if we are our own worst enemies.

And more important than that, the Quran makes it clear that God loves those who seek repentance, he loves to forgive. If the Lord of all the worlds wants us to ask his forgiveness, shouldn’t we also forgive ourselves?

One of my goals this Ramadan has been to focus on being kind to myself. I have decided not to overburden myself with too many activities. Just do the basic fast, the basic prayers, read the Quran and try to take it easy.

So far it’s been a nice, peaceful Ramadan and I haven’t had any major health issues yet (knock on wood). But I have also decided that if a serious health issue kicks in out of the blue, it’s okay. It’s not my fault. I’ll take a break, wait until I feel better, and then resume or make up my fast.

Here are some verses from the Quran about having a health issue during Ramadan.

“[Fasting for] a limited number of days. So whoever among you is ill or on a journey [during them] — then an equal number of days [are to be made up]. And upon those who are able [to fast, but with hardship] — a ransom [as substitute] of feeding a poor person [each day]. And whoever volunteers excess — it is better for him. But to fast is best for you, if you only knew.” (2:184)

“Allah intends for you ease and does not intend for you hardship.” (2:185)

At the end of the day, everything is in God’s control. I can’t control everything my body does. I can only do the work and hope for the best.

Here are some more helpful verses from the Quran about God’s love. Ramadan Mubarak.

“Verily, Allah loves those who turn unto Him in repentance and loves those who purify themselves.” [Quran 2:222]

“And those who believe and do good deeds — We will surely remove from them their misdeeds and will surely reward them according to the best of what they used to do.” [Quran 29:7]

“Indeed, Allah does not wrong [anyone] so much as an atom’s weight; and if there is a good deed, He multiplies it and gives from Himself a great reward.” [Quran 4:40]