Living in the Present Without Fear Or Grief

How often have we heard the common slogan of “one day at a time”? Or “live in the moment”? A lot of spirituality and self-help is developed around this theme. It’s the idea of being present in each and every moment of our lives in order to accept the blessings we have and to be of most useful service to the world around us.

Or something along those lines.

If I’m being honest, I’ve always had some difficulty with this concept. I’d like to think that by this point in my life I’ve achieved a certain level of spiritual equanimity where the hurts I’ve received in the past and those I’ve perpetrated no longer weigh on me. Or that I don’t worry about the changes I’m implementing in my life affecting those dearest to me in spite of how lovingly and thoughtfully I do them. But I’m not there yet.

I think it’s just part of the human condition to continue getting stuck in these different points in time. Maybe it’s simply due to the limited nature of our understanding of time and space. Being humans, we can only see time as a linear progression. So perhaps the past events in our life that we perceived as hurtful or painful became recorded on the timeline that way. And because we can only see time flowing in one direction and on that single track, there is simply no other way to feel or think about those experiences except with the feelings and thoughts that were recorded with them at that time. Conversely, we look towards upcoming events and worry that they will affect us or those we love in harmful ways. Or that those we love will turn on us because of something we’re planning to do, even with the best of intentions. Often this anxiety is based on the recorded thoughts and feelings from the past that we cannot escape from. And so we see our future as potentially multiple tracks that fork from a particular switch but that all invariably lead to negative outcomes.

Perhaps we can call this living with grief (over the hurts and guilt of the past) and fear (of the anxiety and worry of future pain). If this is simply a result of our living as humans in a limited, linear timeline, then a solution would be to lose our ability to create memories (so that there is no past) and decrease our cognitive and temporal awareness (so that we don’t understand the concept of a “future”.) However, this would devolve us into animals, and not even good ones. We would no longer even be conscious beings, at least not as this is conventionally understood.

One of the results of being conscious is awareness. In other words, we are aware that our actions have an effect on the world and people around us, just as other people’s actions affect us. This is part of what leads to the grief, i.e., being aware of how our behavior hurt someone else or of how we felt when someone else hurt us. It also leads to the fear, in that we are aware of how certain people and situations may hurt us, or of how we may hurt others.

So we can’t live without memory and without planning for the future. We need to accept these things as part of our humanity. But this aspect of our consciousness does not need to be a source of grief and fear. Living in the present moment doesn’t mean ignoring the past or the future but rather living without the grief and fear that we associate with them. This is the part that so many of the ancient spiritual traditions try to help us with. And, the Quran specifically promises us that there is a way out that:

Now surely the friends of God — they shall have no fear, nor shall they grieve. (Quran 10:62)

God promises us in His own words that we will not fear or grieve if we trust in Him, if we can make ourselves “friends of God.” What does this look like in action?

I can change the story around the situations and people who I perceive as having hurt me in the past through forgiveness. God instructs us to do exactly that:

Those who restrain anger and pardon people; verily God loves the doers of good. (Quran 3:134)

Let them pardon and forgive. Do you not love that God should forgive you? And God is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful. (Quran 24:22)

I can also seek forgiveness for the wrongs I’ve done myself, to make amends and change the story:

The believers are brothers. So make reconciliation between your brothers and fear God, that you may receive mercy. (Quran 49:10)

These 2 things go hand-in-hand. It would not be possible for me to honestly expect someone to forgive me if I am unable or unwilling to forgive someone else. Therefore, making amends, putting the past hurts behind me and forgiving myself allows me to live in a different way. It lets me change the narrative around the past so I no longer need to grieve over it.

What about the fear of the future and anxiety over what will happen?

First, if we can internalize and truly believe the fact that everything happens according to the will of God, we will understand that our own plans and actions follow His will and not our own. I have a will, yes, but is uninformed or (at best) misinformed as to what God wants for my life. When things go according to my will they end up in a mess and I’m awash in guilt and shame. When things go contrary to my will I pout like a child and end up angry and frustrated. But if I can turn my will over to God’s will, this generates a new feature: humility. This humility is simply knowing my place in the scheme of things, that there is a God and that it’s not me.

Most importantly, humility leads to the two greatest attributes that the Quran and Islam point to as being the key to success and happiness: gratitude and patience. The Quran is full of verses that praise those who are grateful and those who are patient, but here are just one for each:

Gratitude:

And (remember) when your Lord proclaimed if you give thanks, I will give you more. (Quran 14:7)

Patience:

And We will surely test you with something of fear and hunger and a loss of wealth and lives and fruits, but give good tidings to the patient, Who, when a calamity strikes them, say, “Indeed we belong to God, and indeed to Him we will return.” Those are the ones upon whom are blessings from their Lord and mercy. And it is those who are the [rightly] guided. (Quran 2:155–57)

These attributes are 2 sides of the same coin. In fact, God refers to them together at least 4 different times in the Quran, with the phrase “Indeed in that are signs for everyone patient and thankful.” But perhaps the most succinct explanation can be found in a quote attributed to Prophet Muhammad:

Strange indeed are the affairs of the believers, for all their affairs are good for them… If good things happen to them, they’re thankful, and that is good for them; and if bad things happen to them, they remain patient, and that too is good for them.

Therefore, if I’ve forgiven past hurts and sought out forgiveness for the pain I have caused, I can now live in a different way and no longer grieve over the past. The “different way” I need to live is by surrendering my will completely and absolutely to the will of God, who works in all ways for the good, even when we don’t see or understand how. Submitted as such, in humility, I can now be grateful for the many blessings God has put in my life and I can be patient through the tests that are meant to forge me into a better, stronger, wiser, and more compassionate human being.

Or at least that’s the idea. I still have a ways to go, but you can let me know when you get there and tell me how awesome it is.

Peace and God bless.