Overcoming the Addiction to a Trauma Bond With God’s Love
Many people are aware of what trauma bonds are. They are a bond in which an abused person is attached to their abuser. The abuse can also go both ways in some instances. However, many people are not aware that trauma bonds can be addictive like a drug. Some even say the addiction is as powerful as heroin.
When people are in an abusive or toxic relationship, the bystanders outside of it will often say things like, “Why don’t you leave? Why are you letting this person treat you this way? It doesn’t make any sense.”
Yet the trauma bond has a cyclical nature where after each instance of abuse, the abuser will profess love and regret, making the victim feel like they are on top of the world after getting dragged through hell. It’s this cycle of intense emotional highs and lows that can give the relationship an addictive, druglike quality which makes it very hard to leave.
The term trauma bonding was coined by Patrick Carnes, PhD, CAS in 1997. Carnes is a specialist in addiction therapy and the founder of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP). He shared the theory of trauma bonding in a presentation called “Trauma Bonds, Why People Bond To Those That Hurt Them.” (Very Well Mind).
His theory is that bonding is a survival strategy human beings have for dealing with traumatic situations. Unfortunately, this can lead to people forming close bonds with those that create the traumatic situation. Stockholm Syndrome is a similar dynamic, where people bond with their kidnapper as a survival mechanism.
And what’s even sadder is that people who were abused as children are more likely to get into these trauma bonds as adults. This is because their brain associates abuse with love, so it’s harder for them to bond in healthy, functional, non-abusive relationships.
So what to do? Are people who are wired to be this way just screwed?
Not at all. If we look at a trauma bond like an addiction, it starts to make sense that many of the same steps you would take to deal with an unhealthy addiction to drugs could also be used for those addicted to unhealthy relationship dynamics. I’m not saying it’s exactly the same, but I am saying there are parallels.
The 12 Steps is an extremely successful program in helping people overcome addiction. Key aspects of the 12 Steps are radical honesty to oneself about their situation and submission to a Higher Power. These things can also be helpful in escaping trauma bonds as well. (For those who struggle with being religious, try substituting Higher Power with “The Overall Goodness in the Universe” as a mental exercise.)
In order to get out of unhealthy relationships into healthy relationships, I think it’s important to develop an understanding of healthy love versus toxic love.
Healthy love is supportive, patient, compassionate, forgiving and merciful. It’s like rain and sunlight. It grows and nurtures. Healthy love is mutually beneficial for both parties. It’s not exploitative. It brings a feeling of peace and tranquility to one’s life, like a cool oasis in a desert.
Toxic love is exploitative. It is the leech draining its host of their lifeforce. It is uncertain and unpredictable. It is spiteful and petty. It keeps score and accounts of past wrongs. It is a bright flame, that while appealing, can either burn out quick, or cause much destruction in its wake.
There are some very beautiful verses on what real love is in the Quran:
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.” (30:21)
“[Your spouses] are a clothing for you and you are a clothing for them.” (2:187)
Indeed these verses show love as a mutually beneficial transaction, and as a source of tranquility and peace. Clothing for example covers you. It protects you. It doesn’t deprive you of anything.
So how can one orient their lives to experience healthy love, rather than toxic love?
From a non-religious, psychology perspective, there is much helpful advice out there: recognize your trauma, seek a support network, go no-contact with the abuser. But for many, it can be hard to get over the hurdle of addiction in order to get to those next steps.
I’ll tell you what helped me out of a difficult situation I had in the past, and hopefully it can also help with you.
The answer for me was to include the source of all love into my life. That source is God. The Quran says God is the most compassionate and the most merciful. God is the wellspring from which all things good flow, including love, light, and mercy.
Any functional marriage should be a triangle, where God is at the top of the triangle and both husband and wife are in a partnership of service toward each other and toward God.
That’s another point. Love is about service and being in a relationship where both people are serving one another. If one person is looking to be served by a relationship rather than “to serve,” they have it all wrong. If someone thinks another person is going to solve their problems for them, they got it backwards. Indeed, even our beloved prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), spent his free time serving his wives and children with the domestic chores.
So, the path out of toxic love is by immersing oneself in the love of God first, and by including God in all their future relationships. Sometimes it can be hard for a person to love themselves. And if they don’t love themselves, it’s hard to get into situations where others can love them. But God always loves his faithful servants. Even if we can’t love ourselves, we’ll be in a better position to get there if we experience God’s love, like a wilting plant arching toward the sunlight.
Now, this is not at all to say that abuse can’t happen in religious marriages or house holds. Unfortunately, it can. But what I am saying is that focusing on God’s loving nature is an important part of making love and marriages work. And even in religious households, people can sometimes forget the love aspect of God, and only see God as wrathful and angry. The Quran reminds us in almost every chapter that God is the most merciful and the most compassionate. It is the first thing we read in the Quran. Therefore, it is the most important message to understand about God, and in even living our lives in general.
I’m not saying that achieving healthy love will be easy, or that getting out of a trauma bond will be easy. It’s not a five minute fix. Indeed these things require people to do A LOT of work on themselves. And it’s a work that we need to ask God to help us with, because it’s not easy. But God is capable of all things. And if you open the door to him, even a little bit, he can help you work wonders. Indeed there is a hadith about God which says the following, “Whoever comes to Me walking, I will come to him running.”
But of course all this requires submission, and submission comes with humility. True humility is understanding that we can’t achieve everything by ourselves and we shouldn’t be expected to. Humility is also being kind enough to ourselves to accept that it’s okay to make mistakes as we struggle along the way. And the shame and self hatred that can come from a trauma bond ironically makes it more difficult to leave, because then a victim becomes dependent on their abuser to alleviate their feelings of shame and self disgust, rather than relying on God. An abuser can only make you feel better temporarily. But it’s all part of the toxic cycle of abuse. They build you up so they can break you down again. It has all the frustrating futility of building a sandcastle on the shoreline.
Sometimes these feelings of shame are so deeply rooted a person thinks, “This is what I deserve.” Or, “I know I’m being abused, but I can handle it.” Or it could be a situation like that song by The Offspring, “Self Esteem.” Now I know I’m being used. That’s okay man ’cause I like the abuse…The more you suffer. The more it shows you really care, right?
Yet it’s important to understand that this relationship doesn’t just impact you. It impacts the other people in your life or any possible children or pets who may be brought unwillingly into the situation. If you don’t have enough self-love to get out for yourself, then do it for the other people you care about. And from a religious perspective, these toxic relationships prevent you from being the best servant to God that you can be, because you’re consuming an endless amount of time and energy just treading water and trying to stay afloat in the chaotic flood that is your life. If you can’t get out for yourself, then get out as an act of worship toward your Lord, and trust that He will help you with all His strength and power if you let Him. You may not have the strength right away, but if you give your whole self to the Lord, that strength will eventually come. This process will require trust and patience.
And don’t be so hard on yourself for ending up in the relationship in the first place, or for backsliding if that happens. You’re only human after all. We are meant to make mistakes so we can appeal to God for His love and mercy. All we can do is be kind to ourselves and keep trying to do better.
Here are some resources below which I hope can help you. I hope you found this article helpful. And if not, please comment below to let me know what I could have done better.
Links:
Trauma Bonding: How to Stop Feeling Stuck, Overcome Heartache, Anxiety and PTSD — Includes Q&A and Case Studies (Book on Amazon)
What Is Trauma Bonding? (Very Well Mind)
10 Clear Signs of a Trauma Bond (Drive Thru)
