Do you know how much is sucks to deal with someone who thinks they can do things, but you know they can’t and never will? Do you know how much it hurts when that someone offers to come help clean the kitchen? Do you know the tediousness of going in and day after day being able to do nothing to help? The rage that comes when the little that you can do gets refused? The fear that by feeling that way you are in some way ungratful for what you do have and is left? The crushing that is there when he talks about building things, and working in the garden, and walking. The anger that comes everytime you think about how this could have been avoided, even if only temprarily.
I don’t mean to be unhappy, but sometimes I think life could be simpler. It could be less painful. I wonder if I’m being a self absorbed jerk when I think that. I wish I could confide in people, but would they really understand? Who can I trust. The family doesn’t talk about it, for fear that resentment will grow and consume us. There is no freedom from it. Ever. It will always be there. We ignore it, we don’t know how to deal with it any other way. Is there even another way? This is the way our life is, and has been for more than 10 years. Sometimes I think this is how it will always be.
