Self-care beyond #selfcare: 4 ways I’m finding deeper healing
Bath bombs and cozy nights in are great — but last year, I learned I also needed the kinds of self-care you can’t buy to get me through rough times. And I know 2019 will have lots more of those. Here are four lessons I’ll be relying on to help me out.
Hooo, boy. Last year really made me level up my self-care game. Between political and societal hellscapes, trying to juggle a full-time gig and side hustle(s), and learning how to do loads of new stuff I didn’t know how to do, I wound up needing more than just weekend Netflix binges and manicures when I could get them. I…still did those things. A lot. But they felt momentary, and while they were/are great escapes, they didn’t really help me maintain or stay in a self-cared-for state. When I treat myself to a delicious chocolate croissant or a massage, or watch two…ok, fine, four straight hours of TV on a Saturday, I need it to decompress, to feel good in my body, and to catch up on important CW dramas. They’re triage. But triage is crisis management, not healing. For that, I need much deeper, more, well, restorative self-care — meditation, therapy, and regular exercise.
I didn’t travel this path to deeper self-care alone. I got there through dozens of amazing conversations with people who helped me see the world differently. See, I co-host a podcast called Strong Feelings, where I get to interview guests on a weekly basis. It’s an absolute joy and an honor to get to hear so many perspectives and stories — each one left me with ideas or words I now use like mantras, and I want to share them with you.
1. Self care isn’t linear
I can both be a hot mess and successful and sturdy.
— Dr. Allison Chabot, psychologist
► Listen to Season 2, Episode 5
Last May, we invited my therapist to talk with us about getting into therapy. At first, it seemed kind of like a wild idea. But the more we talked about it — both in conversations between my therapist and myself and among co-hosts — it felt exactly right. In the two weeks leading up to the interview, I went from feeling 100% sure it was a great idea, to wondering why on earth I would expose myself like that, to feeling like a fraud, to being completely confident again. Repeat. And that’s just the thing! Something huge I’ve learned in therapy about working on my own growth, my own emotional wellbeing and evolution, and my own self-care, is that it’s anything but linear. I walk into therapy some days and I cry because I’m really anxious about something small and I can’t figure out why it feels like I’m slipping back toward an old habit or perspective. Other days, I walk in with a legitimate feeling of “I’ve got this.”
When we asked Dr. Chabot about what to expect when you start doing therapy work, she talked about how it’s best when you learn from each other and from the sessions, and when you can sort of “reverberate” back and forth with each other. At one point in our conversation, she proclaimed that there’s room for us all to in fact be a hot mess, and successful and sturdy all a the same time. We nearly erupted into applause.
I discovered that in order to bring my best self to anything, I’ve got to have compassion and consideration for all versions of me along the way.
I, the hot mess, take form in many ways: not showering until 4pm some days (or, uh, not at all), falling into an anxiety spiral I can’t climb out of, completely missing a deadline or forgetting a meeting (fuck, I hate when that happens). The first two happen more than I’d like; the second two don’t happen often. But none of it stops me from also being sturdy and even successful. I know I’m both when I do things like go to therapy, get out of bed each morning, and keep up my gratitude journal. And, when I get (good!) work done — even if it takes a little longer sometimes. I discovered that in order to bring my best self to anything, I’ve got to have compassion and consideration for all versions of me along the way. So, here’s to putting one foot in front of the other toward really caring for yourself, and maybe one step to the side — or back — and to the side again. We’ll all get there.
2. I have permission to feel pleasure.
Pleasure is very virtuous. We need food pleasure and sexual pleasure to survive this capitalist nightmare. And it’s okay. I give you permission.
— Sonalee Rashatwar, The Fat Sex Therapist
► Listen to Season 3, Episode 9
When we talked to Sonalee Rashatwar about body image issues, trauma, white supremacy, and sex, I didn’t expect to leave our conversation necessarily feeling comforted. As a fat, queer, non-binary therapist who goes by the moniker The Fat Sex Therapist, Sonalee doesn’t operate as though she owes anyone anything — she doesn’t. But she gives endlessly, educating all who are eager to unlearn all the terrible shit that holds us back, and down.
We asked her for some advice about rejecting colonialism, and in her answer she offered soothing. She reminded us that part of the fight of resistance, is indulging and finding pleasure — in food, sex, or anything that allows us to thrive. That pleasure is okay and good and necessary. I think about her words all the time. I’m grateful they’re imprinted in my brain, because I tend to sink very low when the news gets to be too much, or there’s a new nightmare facing humanity. While I want to be ready to rally, I know the only way I’ll do that is to take time when I can, and enjoy something. Sonalee is giving me permission. You have it, too.
A few things that are giving me pleasure right now: knitting a baby blanket for a nephew I’ll meet in July, the perfect sugar cookie (with those giant sugar crystals on top) I get at least once a week at the coffee shop down the block, having lengthy conversations with my dog.
3. Sometimes a setback is really a stepping stone.
So, I think that you just have to look at rejections as stepping stones to either something greater, something different, or just a moment in time when you were not ready and they were not ready for you.
— Keah Brown, writer and #disabledandcute creator
► Listen to Season 3, Episode 10
It was so much fun talking to Keah Brown, a writer and journalist who created the #disabledandcute movement. I was really excited to ask her about the book she’s working on — due out this year (YAY). And when the topic of writing pitches (and how to handle rejections to those pitches) came up, she said something I couldn’t stop thinking about. It felt way more life-lesson than deal-with-rejection tip.
She told us that she first gives herself time and space to feel bummed out or disheartened, or even upset. Then, she blasts some of her favorite music and starts looking at things through a different lens. It made me think about all the times I’d wallowed with disappointment or discouragement and let it eat away at me, or tried to brush it aside. Like that big book order I worked on coordinating last fall — and lost, after the customer and I couldn’t agree on shipping terms. Not only was I losing the company money, I questioned whether I even knew what I was doing running a business. But I know that doesn’t help. Instead, I could look for opportunities to sit with crummy feelings, process them, turn up a Beyoncé track, and get ready to keep going. Sometimes I’ll sit with a negative feeling or thought a little longer than other times, and that’s okay — because I’m gonna keep going, looking for the stepping stones.
4. Crying feels good and I do it a lot and it’s okay.
I’m going to cry openly and people are going to see me do that and I am not going to be embarrassed by it even if they’re embarrassed by it. And I’m going to be compassionate towards them when they are embarrassed by my emotion.
— Heather Havrilesky, author of What If This Were Enough?
► Listen to Episode 44
It’s no secret that Sara and I are are unapologetic, regular cryers. When we talked to “Ask Polly” advice columnist Heather Havrilesky, we were delighted to learn that she is in the same camp. As Heather talked about living “in the open,” I realized that when I cry or allow myself to really feel and experience an emotion — especially a negative one — I tend to feel freer as a result.
I have cried easily for as long as I can remember. Poignant TV commercials, being teased and bullied when I was a little kid, other people crying, struggling through depression without medication, animals doing pretty much anything. Sometimes it feels terrible and turns my face red and blotchy, but most of the time it feels really, really good. Until recently, I felt embarrassed by my proclivity for tearing up — now I just let it out and let go.
And the kicker to what Heather says here is that she’s going to be compassionate toward others when they are embarrassed by her emotions. I’m going to borrow that and do the same, because I think if we all allowed ourselves to cry a little more out in the open, we’d all go a little easier on each other.
Almost every week last year, I’d absorb a saying or an approach that helped me more than I’d anticipated. I also spent time teasing apart a lot of knotty stuff in therapy every week, going for lots of runs, getting a little better at asking for help, and paying attention to my needs as an introvert. Y’all. I also learned that I’m officially 100% an empath, and that literally anything from weather to actual stress can affect my energy. It’s been illuminating! It means I might need to slow down or do less sometimes.
Between listening to folks whose insights brought me joy, and doing the things that felt really restorative, I realized I could fine-tune a more holistic self-care process that works for me. I hope by sharing what I’ve learned, maybe it’ll help you, too. Don’t get me wrong — face masks and TV series binges and a little retail therapy will still happen. It’s ok. It feels good. It’s necessary. Do whatever helps with triage, but don’t forget the deeper work that sustains healing. You deserve all of it.
🎧 Check out Strong Feelings, a weekly podcast about work, friendship, and feminism hosted by Katel LeDu and Sara Wachter-Boettcher — the best friends you didn’t know you were missing. New episodes every Thursday! ✏️ And subscribe to I Love That — a biweekly digest featuring personal stories from your hosts, links we love, stuff that made us laugh, and tidbits we couldn’t fit on the show.
