God, Am I Doing This Right?
Cheers to trying to be human in 2018.
I wish I could say I have it all together. I wish I could stand from my high pedestal and wave my flag proudly among my people, screaming from the heavens loudly.
I am on fucking top!
If you know anything about being anything other that the world’s richest people, you’re probably not on top. Like ever.
A lesson from Kate Spade.
When I woke up and read on Twitter (yep, so 2018) that Kate Spade had died, I was shook. My whole world went black.
Now, to be fair, I didn’t follow Kate Spade religiously. In fact, she wasn’t even on my radar. You’d think because of this fact that her death wouldn’t matter as much to me, but it did.
In fact, knowing she died and I didn’t have the slightest care in the world for her magnified my emotions.
I felt an enormous rush of guilt creep in… why was I so upset? Part of it is truly my tendency to feel like I just got shot by a gun every time someone takes their last breath. I just love humans too much. The other part of the guilt lies in my lack of caring.
That’s probably why Kate ended her life at the root of it all — she probably didn’t feel like anyone actually cared.
And now, she’s left behind a family. Now, a daughter has to live the rest of her days without a mother.
The great modern paradox.
We’re supposed to be more connected now than ever. Social media, cell phones, Apple watches, those damn Air Pods that are so cool… all of it is supposed to keep us plugged in. Nevermind the communications tools we use for work — Slack, WeChat, WhatsApp, Messenger, or whatever else is out there. We never turn off.
Jesus fucking Christ.
All of this screen time makes us hyper-aware of everyone’s bullshit. I know for me, it’s just pressure. Pressure to be perfect, pressure to be great. On a good day, I see everyone and everything as motivation and inspiration.
On the bad days? Social media makes me want to throw my iPhone at the wall. Pair that pressure with being a professional, a partner, and a mother, and you get a hotmess.com
I bet that’s how Kate Spade felt in her last days, unraveling at the seams.
Your vibe attracts your tribe.
Whenever I’m all over the place, my son can tell. He typically responds one of three ways when he sees his mama stressed.
- He runs over to me and gives me a hug.
- He starts getting nervous and tries to please me with random gifts (toys, dirt, bugs, shoes, TV).
- He starts to act out.
My son is four. Xander may not be Buddha or Einstein, but he certainly has the heart and mind of both in the making.
Our children are telling us something. When my son acts in one of these three behaviors, I know that means he can tell something is wrong. There’s this incredible sense of perception and altruism that comes from a small child. Their ignorance leaves an entire canvas blank and ready for strikes of color with the world.
It also leaves them vulnerable as an open target for pain.
On the upside, when I am happy, my son thrives. I try to stay smiling for him, but I am not afraid to show him my weaknesses. To hide them would do my son a disservice by being proud, fake, and in denial.
No lying here. Kids deserve the truth.
If you aren’t rock-solid in who you are, you will drown in the ocean of life.
It’s hard being a human out here today.
Instagram tells me I should be setting up professional lighting in my living room and taking photos of my acai bowls while striking a yoga pose. Or, looking like Nikki Blackketter in the gym, with my butt in workout leggings in all sorts of colors of the rainbow.
Twitter tells me I should post my opinions loudly on behalf of humanity and my values, every single second I get. I see you, Elon Musk.
Facebook tells me I should follow the status quo, that I should post tons of photos of my “perfect” life but not show any of the ugly parts.
LinkedIn has zero place for real personality. How to be a flavorful, spicy human and showcase that side of my personality while still fighting the good fight of professionalism? It’s a fine line.
Medium is the only place I can find solace in writing out my heart and telling the world the truth:
It’s fucking hard to be a human out here in 2018.
When there’s no light left, you have to create your own.
If there’s anything I’ve learned in this lifetime, it’s that fear holds people back from accomplishing their goals. It holds me back, sending me into a downward spiral of ambiguity, anxiety, and sadness when I feel helpless.
When all hope seems lost, you go out and find a way to make life work for you. This lifetime does not have to be a miserable one.
I ask God if I’m doing this right. I wonder if others do the same. Actually, I know others do the same. We’re all just trying to figure it out.
If you’re pushing through, I salute you. Cheers to trying to be a human in today’s world, man.
