(disclaimer: this post may contain triggers, tread carefully)
Abuse. Oh man I’ve certainly had my fair share. It started when I was 10 when I got the first beating from my mom and then it all finally ended when I was 51 and left my emotionally and verbally abusive partner.
Yup, it’s been a long road of abuse.
During my childhood years, from 10–18 (when I finally left that hell house) I was beat regularly and randomly. Some days the pain was so bad I could barely walk the next day. Some days I didn’t even know what I had done. Some days it wasn’t even me who had done anything wrong but my other sister who may have to be blamed for whatever shit happened, but she was nowhere to be found, so I got it. Take one for the team Iva.
And of course there was the emotional abuse that comes with being raised in an extremely dysfunctional household. Limiting beliefs plugged in so fucking deep, I’m still working on erasing those.
Dad was the main abuser here. Mom would just leave the room and pretend nothing was happening. If it went on too long sometimes she would say“ok that’s enough” but that rarely happened. I never liked my dad. Right up until the day he died. I rejoiced when he finally did at 88 yrs old.
Apparently it’s Father’s Day-Here’s to All of Us Unloved Children.
I have to shield myself from Facebook on this day. The plethora of “Oh I love my dad” and “Oh how I miss my dad in…
My first live-in boyfriend was physically abusive but I used to it by then. My parents primed me well. I can take it.
Then at 26 I got married to my son’s father. That only lasted 18 months as he mysteriously turned into a raging alcoholic. After I threw his sorry ass out of our apartment he would visit regularly, very late at night, very drunk and rape me. He was drunk. I was fucking terrified. That lasted for about 6 months until he finally left the province. Thank you God.
For the next 25 or so years I was in and out of abusive relationships. Most just emotional and verbal, like my last one. That was the beginning of the end to the abuse I was willing to accept in my life. You can read more about that one here and how I finally left.
Leaving an Abusive Relationship Isn’t as Easy as You Think.
I’ll admit it, I certainly stayed way longer than I should have. I probably should have turned on my heels at the 3rd…
So you can see, I’ve certainly had my fair share. I lived in fear, hate and anger most my life. Until one day….I just couldn’t anymore.
When I left my last relationship, and hit rock bottom really hard, I knew it was time to do something with my life and all the anger and hurt I had bottled up inside of me. It was time to work on Iva.
I couldn’t stand another day with this ugly black slimy blob of toxicity, anger, hurt and hate from my past. It was breaking me down, tearing me down and I was done. It was time to do some much needed healing.
The process was long and scary. I had to change my mindset, my beliefs, my heart and deal with all the trauma I had endured all my life.
The first thing I had to do was forgive every single person who abused me. It didn’t matter who it was or what the abuse was, no matter how big or small, they all got the same level of forgiveness.
I wrote truth letters to them all. (you don’t send these letters, you burn them after)
Dear Dad, remember that one time…?…well I forgive you, I love you, Good bye!
Dear Mom, remember when Dad was beating me in front of the preacher and his wife…?….I forgive you, I love you, Good bye!
Dear John Doe, remember……?……I forgive you, I love you, Good bye!
Yup, this went on for almost a year. Some times I would have to write the same person more than one letter. Memories creep back in. Fuck. Here we go again.
But the more I forgave, the better and freer I felt. The more I forgave, the bigger my heart swelled. The more I forgave, the happier I became.
Until one day, and I can’t exactly pinpoint when it happened, it just happened, I realized I no longer had any hate in my heart for any of my abusers. Not a drop. It was gone. And my heart exploded in song. I was finally officially really free from all the hate and anger.
I don’t live in my past anymore. I live for today. I live for peace, happiness and kindness for all.
Hurt people, hurt people. They need love the most.
Remember, when you forgive your abusers, you don’t do it for them, you do it for you ❤
Peace and Love
xo iva xo