Finding hope in my dreams.
When one is feeling hopeless one finds paradise among the clouds. When troubled we turn to our dreams to find peace amongst the turmoil of the reality of our life’s. For me it was a fantasy of being a normal little boy with no mental health issues living in a world where there were no bullies tormenting me. Nor teachers who couldn’t understand my needs. In my fantasy world I was a hero saving the world from all kinds of disasters. I was a fireman, a policeman, a writer of adventures, and even a statesmen who brought peace to the world. We all day dream and we all role play as children. It is a normal process developing minds. It sculptures our future self when such dreams and role play are reinforced with positive support of our dreams from our parents, and teachers. These encouragements molds our young minds to see the possibilities of our future selves as a doctor, firemen, or any worthy profession. Most likely following in our Father’s occupation.
When that positivity is removed from the equation a child will lose any hope of achieving even the simplest of roles in an adult world. Therefore it is important to understand that though we day dream and role play in them excessive day dreaming can interfere with what is real and what is fantasy.
Though in my day dreaming I pictured being a normal child. I always woke up in the middle of class when the teacher snapped her ruler on my head demanding I wake up and join the real world. To only follow by the whole classroom laughing at my expense. Then the teacher would have to quiet the class down and blame me for the disturbance. Of course she would then ask me to stand up and read out loud the second page in our Dick and Jane text well knowing I would stutter and stammer my words causing another uproar in class. As often as not, I was sent home with a note from the teacher complaining again that I was day dreaming in class, and I disrupted the class by my constant disregard and refusal to learn any reasonable readings skills. Not to mention my inability to speak with out stuttering. Of course I stuttered. What world did she live in.
After reading the note mother would lecture me about my day dreaming all the time. Her most often statement was to tell me to “get my head out of the clouds and wake up or I fail to amount to anything, just like my Father”. Rather then give me positive reinforcement it was always negative criticism. I could not live up to my mother’s expectations therefore no matter how hard I tried to I was always going to fail. It wasn’t until many years later as an adult that I was able to address my feelings about the way she treated me. She was to admit that her parenting skills where not always the best when regarding my needs, and yes some of my emotional troubles as a child and an adults where indeed affected by her inability cope to my special needs. As an adult child and my relationship with my mother in those later years was improving. I was learning many things about my mother that I didn’t know about her. Just one of the things a parent can not share or choose not to. How much do really know about your parents life before you entered into world. Mother died when 62, just when we were just beginning to understand each. So much was unsaid and yet to settle between us. Her death left a deep whole in my emotional make up at that time. Today I have come to realize that mother had her own expectations ruined by her choices made in life as a young adult meeting her future mate and what she gave up to marry and start a family. Yes, even my birth and my emotional, mental, and physical disabilities wasn’t what she expected. For all the heartaches of my childhood I realize what my mother did for me by not putting me in an institution for the mentally ill and retarded, was a the ultimate sacrifice any mother could give her child. She truly believed that I was better off at home an act of love that erased a life time of a child’s hurt and misery growing up. I love you mother I always did I just couldn’t get pass my those clouds my head was in.
