How To Become The Most Likeable Person In Everyone’s Lives

When people think about ways to become attractive and likable, they think they have to radically change themselves.

They think they have to appear, act, talk and think in certain ways. If they’re naturally shy and reserved, they believe they have to get out of their comfort zone and act like an extrovert — basically acting like something they are not.

They emulate certain characteristics and change their natural behavior and tendencies to hopefully trick people into thinking they’re naturally friendly and outgoing.

They go to parties and bars and drink what they don’t want to drink. They talk to people they don’t want to talk to in order to look or be perceived in a certain way, to raise their social status amongst their peers.

Sure, I can see the merit in this belief. When we look around our social circles, we find that the people who stand out the most is not the quiet girl or guy in the group, but it is usually the people who are the most outgoing, outspoken and enthusiastic.

However, the people who have trouble speaking up in groups due to their personalities hear of this strategy to fundamentally change themselves and shudder with fear and anxiety. They’d rather prefer a life destined to be identified as the quiet, private and shy person than to even imagine stepping out of their comfort zone.

I’m here to suggest an alternative. I say to stop looking within yourself, stop paying attention solely to your thoughts, behaviors and interactions.

Start looking outward — Become genuinely curious about everyone else.

More and more, I find that the most memorable conversations I’ve ever had in my life were the conversations where I gave the person across from me my full attention.

I believed that the individual in front of me, with stories and experiences that I could not even begin to imagine, was the most important person in that very moment.

My sole concern throughout the conversation was to learn about them. Learn about what makes them happy, what makes them sad, what drives them, what they’re passionate about, what they think about current events, what they love about life, what they hate about life.

The amount of wisdom that every individual carries is staggering. I am astonished by every conversation I have when I am able to be fully present and focus my attention on them and them alone.

Everyone comes from different walks of life, and they are all full of lessons and fun stories that could entertain us for years. Even if we sat down with someone for a month, we would not be able to even make a fraction of a dent in their life novel.

Just think — you probably have so many interesting stories and experiences to tell to other people, and you’re dying to share them, but you realize that no one is willing to devote the time and energy to sit and listen to you. Everyone is too busy thinking about themselves.

When you realize how many few people actually truly care about you, you start getting self-conscious. While you listen to your friend rant about something that you don’t care about, you think to yourself:

“Man, I really don’t care about what’s coming out of this person’s mouth. I wonder when they’ll stop talking so I can share my vastly more interesting story?”

If you’re able to think this thought, how many other people were capable of thinking the same thing about your stories?

But the funny thing is, even when we are aware of this fact, we still continue on — babbling about anything and everything, to people who don’t truly listen or care, to people who want to talk about their own problems and lives, to people who are not curious about anything except gossip and drama.

Back to the main point:

The popular belief is that if you want to be liked, you have to be an inherently interesting person. You have to have stories that top everyone else’s. You have to have shocking, dramatic and funny stories. You have to live an exciting, never ending adventure in order to be an interesting and likable person.

That’s why our conversations are full of trading stories about each other. We don’t really try finding out more about the person across from you as an individual. Instead, we use them as news sources — caring only about the things we want to hear about and filtering out the rest.

We sit across from the person talking, watching their lips move, incoherent chatter flowing out of their mouths while we wait impatiently for our turn to talk and prove how interesting we are.

The idea is very contrarian. We don’t have to talk about how great we are to be liked. We don’t have to talk about the wildest adventures, the craziest stories we can imagine, the successes we’ve had in our lives.

We just need to be curious about the person across from us, ask questions that make them reveal more about themselves, and most importantly, listen.

1. Be genuinely curious about everyone
2. Ask Questions
3. Listen

Be Genuinely Curious About Everyone

A lot of people don’t have proper channels or mediums to organize their thoughts and feelings. There are plenty of people who could benefit from someone lending them an ear, just a moment of their time to think out loud and express themselves as humans.

We all want to be able to think and talk freely without having to change their words in fear of offending the person we are speaking to. We all want to be able to talk about our feelings, the memorable times in our lives, and the lessons we’ve learned along the way without being interrupted or judged.

We simply want someone who is interested in us, and us alone. It sounds selfish, but aren’t we all?

We all suffer from tragedies throughout our lives, and many times we have to suffer through them alone. Can’t we be a little selfish sometimes? Is it too much to ask for someone to sit down and care about us?

I understand — it’s hard to care about someone who will not bring us any value in the near or distant future. Why should we devote our time and energy to care and listen to this person if we’re never going to benefit from our efforts? We have enough baggage and enough sacrifices that we are already burdened with — why should we voluntarily take one more?

Because the act of helping another person who desperately needs someone, anyone, will not only help them tremendously but will help you.

It will help you understand things about yourself, about human beings, about our own lives. It will help you practice gratitude for the things you currently have and the tragedies you were not able to experience.

It will help you learn to love unconditionally, which will help you become a better child, friend, parent and human.

People shouldn’t be viewed in a utilitarian perspective — we should treat others without seeing them as a means to an end, solely for personal gain.

We should lift those who are plagued with misfortune and malevolence — if you believe there is good in everyone, if you could understand where they come from and what they’ve gone through, and acted as if they had the potential to change themselves and the world around them, maybe it will manifest into reality.

Maybe the goodness that resides in every criminal’s heart will come forth with a bit of sympathy and compassion, instead of treating them as irredeemable and inherently evil monsters.

Ask Questions, and then LISTEN

When people tell you something, recognize that it is a chance to dig deeper into their psychology.

“What makes you think this way?”

“Why do you say that?”

“Why do you believe this?”

“How do you feel about that?”

“How did that make you feel?”

When we ask open-ended questions, we show the person across from us that we are genuinely curious and want to know their answer. We must refrain from disagreeing or sharing our own perspectives or disagreements.

It is time to shut up and listen. No matter how strong the urge is, you must allow the person to speak. You asked them a question, wanting to know the answer, and now you must let them formulate a response.

When you keep probing into someone’s psychology, you get to understand where they’re coming from. What their fundamental beliefs are. What they’ve experienced and what they’ve learned from them. You peel back a layer of the human onion, thinking you’re getting closer to the center, only to realize that there were more layers than you could ever imagine. Humans are extremely complex, and you must consider it a duty in every conversation to peel off as many layers as you possibly can. It will lead to more meaningful and fulfilling conversations.

The more questions you ask, the more they will reveal about themselves. They will soon feel the intense curiosity that you are emitting, and most likely, they will feel happy that someone is listening and paying attention to them.

People are dying to have someone to talk to, for someone to care about what they have to say, for someone to look at them and say with their behavior: “I genuinely care about you and your life. I am here to listen to you — you are my current center of attention.” People will thank you and appreciate the fact that you allowed them to pour out their heart and soul.

What I’ve noticed is that sometimes, when people are looking for advice, they’re not ACTUALLY looking for advice. What they’re looking for is an outlet: a person that they can rant and pour out their emotions to, a person who is willing to listen and allow you to think out loud. Many times in the past, I thought people are coming to me for my sage advice — I’ve come to realize that they just needed a friend to sit there and listen to them while they sorted out their problems and their lives.

Is asking a question enough to get the person to continue talking? You can’t just ask “Why?” to someone and sit back, expecting them to feel engaged while you lay back in your chair. Humans are very aware of people who aren’t paying attention. They can read body language, and it becomes very apparent when you are not listening to them. The layers you’ve worked so hard to peel back will recede into its original form, and the conversation will come to a halt.

You must be engaged not only with your ears and mind, but with your body.

Some tips that will prevent your friend from feeling like they’re in an FBI interrogation room:

1. Maintain eye contact. Don’t be too intense, but don’t break it off and allow your eyes to wander. Relax your eyes but make sure you keep your eyes on their eyes to let them know that you’re listening and that they have your full attention.
2. Give visual cues that encourage the other party to continue speaking. Nod your head (not too excessively), have a slight smile, utter a small “mm” or “hmm” to feel engaged.
3. Emulate their body movements and voice pitch — Don’t be too obvious about this. A good example: if the person is leaning forward, then you should naturally lean a bit forward to imitate their posture. Also, if they display excitement in their voice, respond back with an equal tone of excitement. You will get better and feel more natural with this over time.

LISTEN

This step is the most important of the three. It doesn’t matter if you have a genuine interest in other people if what they’re telling you is going through one ear and out the other. It doesn’t matter if you ask questions if you’re not going to listen and actively engage yourself in the conversation.

You have to shut up and listen. Again, you must prevent the urge to speak and allow the person to say what they want to say. You must be watchful of the words they use, so that you can ask more questions about them.

There are times when people want you to catch onto something so that they can talk about it. These opportunities come up many times throughout a conversation, but are never mentioned because the other party was not listening.

Usually, when I ask questions, I listen for hints of enthusiasm or excitement when certain topics arise. The other person becomes more talkative and more expressive in their emotions. These are the moments where I can get the other person to open up.

I get to learn about friends who played on professional sports teams, friends who are grandmasters in chess, friends who have run marathons and competed in competitive matches, friends who are published authors, friends who are extremely knowledgable about something I am not well versed in.

I get to learn about so many new things about so many people. I get to learn what interests them and what makes them live with purpose.

But it is only possible to learn if you first pay attention and listen.

Stop thinking about the next thing you want to say. Stop getting distracted by irrelevant thoughts or things going on around you. Become present and truly care about the person who is before you in all their strengths and their weaknesses.

So becoming the most likable person is simple. But I never said it would be easy.

The 3 steps I mentioned are extremely hard to practice and master. But if they are applied and used in every conversation you have from this point forward, I am sure that you will become the person that everyone wants to have around — simply because you cared enough to listen to them.

Being the loudest and most vibrant person in the room does not necessarily mean that you will be the most likable. On the contrary, there is mystery and allure of the silent figure in the corner of the room with a bright gleam in their eye, the one who believes and understands that silence is, as Euripides once said, true wisdom’s best reply.