Last Time for Everything

Graduating from college less than a month ago, I am definitely feeling like I’ve already had a lot of my ‘lasts,’ without really knowing what that means.

While I was aware of them as they were happening and tried to savor every moment, I never knew just how bittersweet it was going to feel to be done with those days, waking up one day to walk across a stage and have them all behind me.

No more Undie Run, no more House Parties, no more going home with someone you maybe shouldn’t but still do because you’ve been friends for three years and he would never hurt you. No more Midnight Breakfasts, no more fountain hopping, no more being young and stupid but still getting up and being reminded you’re still a kid whose got an 8am and a schedule so it’s okay to make mistakes. No more twin beds or sharing rooms or sneaking a guy back or going out every night in a row because all you had was a class and you didn’t need to finish your degree the next day.

I guess this is probably starting to sound like the end of everything.

Fun. Life. Joy.

And I know from the bottom of my heart that is not true.

There are so many more firsts to be had.

There is just something so comfortable about school. Some people hate it.

But this is my blog, and I love it. I love constant, I love schedules, I love predictability. So maybe I chose the wrong profession. Acting? HA.

And maybe I should get out of Los Angeles and move to a suburb and start building my white picket fence but I don’t think I can do that just yet.

As someone who is perpetually afraid of change, this time in my life feels crucial, yet unimportant, but also stagnant and meaningless, while still making me feel like this is the time when I need to figure out everything.

As I sit here writing and listening to Brad Paisley’s “Last Time for Everything,” I feel compelled to fill all of these ‘lasts’ with new firsts, but what am I supposed to use to fill the absence I feel?

My best friends are gone; I am supposedly finding my way in a field where I have done absolutely nothing that remotely matters.

It’s a very strange place to be.

But I submitted myself to ‘Let’s Make A Deal’ today so there’s a positive. Gotta count the positives.