PAN PROBLEMS
Like many others, when I was a young boy, I knew that there was something different about me. As a kid, you sense these things, but more often that not, its not until adolescence or early adulthood (or space cases like me: late 20s) that we find a word to prescribe to these feelings of being different.
Ultimately, in time, we will learn to accept these feelings and embrace them as a part of our identity. With the feeling of being weird or different often comes depression and anxiety; I dealt with my fair share of that as a youth, I just didn’t know that those terrifying feelings had a name and that I wasn’t the only one in the world that felt that way.
Growing up, we are often taught that things are black and white, especially for those of us who grew up in a conservative evangelical bubble. When I began to have feelings of attraction for the opposite sex, I also began to have the same feelings for the same sex. Having these conflicting feelings as a kid was terrifying and depressing. It was as if I were falling through infinite darkness.
I can still remember mid-puberty getting butterflies when watching 3rd Rock from the Sun. Good lord. Joseph Gordon-Levitt did it for me, especially after he got rid of that Atreyu-esque hair. As a kid, I was smitten as a kitten for JGL. Having JGL ask me to a middle school dance was all I ever wanted. I was certain that I was into dudes, and that was even more depressing as I was being taught in school that “homosexuality” was a sin.
Then the conflict came when watching Jewel Staite’s character on Space Cases. Oh my lord. I was in love. I wanted to ask her to my middle school dance and live happily ever after with that strange young lady. I acknowledge the fact that Catalina had rainbow hair, and yes, that did contribute to the confusion about my sexuality, but I assure you, I was very much captivated by her quirky personality. I also acknowledge that both of the characters that I crushed on were not of this world. So, there’s that.
I really do have JGL and Jewel to thank for ushering me through puberty and helping me to understand that nothing in this world or any other world is simply black & white. Human sexuality is beautifully complex and comes in infinite shades of grey.
It wasn’t until my late 20s that I really embraced my identity as “pansexual”. No, that does not mean I have a Peter Pan fetish. Pansexuality simply means that I am attracted to people. This realization came in Austin, Texas on a New Years Eve, when I met an attractive straight hipster guy, who shared with me that he has a non-sexual attraction to men. Said hipster then read me like a book and told me that he thought that I was simply attracted to people. Had sexual identities been taught in school, then I probably wouldn’t have spent all of my childhood and half of my adult life stressed the f**k out and anxious as hell.
There have been countless times when I have attempted disclosing my genuine attraction to a person of the opposite sex only to be met with — “I thought you were gay”, “You’re kinda gay right?”, or “I really like you, but I don’t think that this relationship is sustainable”. These are all experiences that I’ve had with some of the most open-minded people that I know.
To anyone reading this that is still trying to figure out your identity, you have time. Just don’t let anyone prescribe a label to your identity that you do not identify with. If someone makes an assumption that is wrong, politely correct them.
The struggle is real for many bi, pan, and fluid identified people, but know that you are not alone in this struggle. There are people to talk to and many resources to tap into.
Be true to yourselves and embrace those beautiful shades of grey.
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