Spilling The Tea

So, two weeks ago I had an interaction with someone who used to mean a lot to me.

I’ll spare the details of how the evening unfolded, so long story short:

I ended up at the home of the guy I lost my virginity to.

Blast from the past: I was with him my freshman year of college. I met him the first week and we kind of clicked. To be honest, I was amazed an older guy noticed me. I was starstruck in the most ridiculous way possible. I really liked him, and losing my virginity meant a lot to me. So when he ended things almost immediately after taking it from me, I was more than upset.

A little bit about him: He was two years older than me, and thought he was way more mature than I was. Obviously, he had some growing up to do. He would always comment on my immaturity, how young I was, how naïve I was… yadayadayada. I thought I was pretty mature for my age, and so I was offended. I mean, what did he know? He was the one hooking up with someone two years younger. He wasn’t always the nicest to me. But he wasn’t the meanest either.

Anyway, he did hurt me and he did tear up my heart, but not in a way that couldn’t be fixed. He wasn’t my biggest heartbreak; he wasn’t the person I could never forgive. I got over the heartbreak, and he became a guy I would wonder about occasionally, but never wished ill of. We’ve crossed paths multiple times since we were together, and each time I’m excited to see him and hear what he is up to. We finally live in the same city again, and so by a series of unfortunate events I ended up at his house at 4 am and…

This was the first time I’d really spent time with him in about two years. I was shocked to see how different he’d become. He’d always been serious, but seeing him now at 24 years old, starting to have a successful acting career, taking himself and his life seriously, was huge for me.

He was so nice. He genuinely wanted to know how I was doing and what I was up to. He lit incense. He was drinking tea. He let me teach him how to play a card game. He was sober. All small things, but they came together to create a bigger picture. He had it together. He was better than before.

People that you ride off can surprise you. Even though he hurt me, I don’t need to hate him anymore. People can change; people can grow; people can become better versions of themselves.

I wanted to write this down because if I don’t I’ll forget how it made me feel.

It all seems so long ago, and seeing him again reminded me that it was, but it wasn’t. It was a lifetime ago and it was also yesterday. Someone that hurt me me at such a pivotal time in my life turned into someone I’d actually want to be with. Seeing him was the closure I needed. It isn’t an invitation to get back into his bed. I think he felt that too. It was an understanding that both of us are still who we were, but also, we’re better. We’re better and that’s okay. We don’t have to act on it and we don’t have to talk about it, but being able to talk and get along with a guy who fucked me up is something I’m proud to say I was able to do.

Flash forward to a week later…

I get a text from him out of the blue. I go over. We have sex. We talk. I call him out on his bullshit from four years ago. He admits he was wrong. He talks about his newly broken heart. I become a therapist. I see how broken he is.

And now I’m the one who has it together. Funny how the world works, isn’t it?