That one time I learned about confidence from playing a computer game (Robot Unicorn Attack)
In high school, I had only one goal, and that was to graduate from high school and get into the best possible college I could. Fast forwarding a grueling 4 years of standardized testing, high school drama, some studying, and lots of learning, I ended up at my dream school — UCLA. (Go Bruins!)
Silly me thought grades in college wouldn’t matter anymore. Silly me.
But this is where I quickly realized I was sitting at the high stakes table. School cost money! And lots of it. My time in school wasn’t going to be predetermined anymore, and switching majors would cost time, leaving me behind in the dust, far and away from all of my peers, in the eternity that is a quarter. Each class and each change had to be carefully calculated, so that I could graduate on budget and on time in 4 years. Suddenly, the time I thought I would have to have fun and “find myself” quickly morphed into a “you better pretend or at least act like you know what you’re doing or it’s gonna cost you” deal.
I started off as a computer science & engineering major. I had taken an AP Computer Science course in high school, loved the way it challenged my brain and enjoyed the new way of thinking and solving problems it demanded of me (Have you ever tried thinking like a computer? I highly recommend taking a coding course at least once in your lifetime). I knew I wasn’t particularly talented at it (hello, C on my progress report), but I thought my high school teacher was average at best, and I wanted to give it another shot in a world-class university setting, where I was bound to be able to apply myself and learn so much more than I ever could have in high school, right?
Turned out it was hard. REALLY hard. Learning in college is a billion times faster than it is in high school, and now you are also surrounded by a lot of people who are smarter than you, and their grades affect yours because not everyone can get an A (or I guess in the case of engineering.. not everyone can get a F — shout out to everyone who got an A- for a 15/30 on a midterm). By the way, appreciate these people, and always surround yourself with people smarter than you — it’s the easiest and fastest way to get smarter yourself. You’ll miss them.
I was already on the 2nd CS weeder course (CS32) and knew I was going to finish it and pass the class, but I had gotten the worst grades I’ve ever gotten in my life, so I also decided that I was not going to move forward on this path that I had so carefully chosen for my life. In my gut, it didn’t feel like it was for me, even though I so desperately wanted it to be right.
My confidence was shaken like never before. What was I smart enough to do? What did I even like doing? And it’s tough.. when all of your ambitious and driven friends are interviewing for internships, or are telling you that they just always knew deep inside that they wanted to be a doctor, and they’ve just always known. Everyone else was joining all the right clubs and societies, while I was sitting there, trying to figure out what I wanted to do. And all I could figure out so far, though, was what I couldn’t or didn’t want to do.
Something inside me told me that I needed to give engineering another shot if I was giving up purely because I didn’t think I could make it to the end with my sanity intact. The only other engineering major that required that 2nd level CS course was electrical engineering, and there was no way I was going to waste those credits when I had blood, sweat, and tears in those projects, so that was it.
And another quarter started. I still wasn’t sure if I was smart enough, and I wasn’t sure if I was passionate about it. Time was ticking. There was no Giver telling me what my job would be in a grand ceremony. This was America, and I had choices. But choice is deceptive in the age of the millennials — committing to a career for the rest of my life seems almost impossible when we’ve been overloaded with a wealth of information, options, technological change, and dreams since the 90s. But it was my second year in college. I would have to finish with this degree, or change majors at this very moment. It was decision time.
now, let’s back up a bit…
I met somebody in college who quickly became a very close friend of mine named Alex. He was very naturally smart, and very gifted at computer games. He was extremely lazy, but he picked up on things quickly and always asked the right questions (that’s how I can tell if someone is intelligent — not by their answers, but by the quality of their questions). Over Facebook, we both started playing this game called Robot Unicorn Attack. Basically, it’s a single-player game (with a fantastic soundtrack, by the way), and you get to control this unicorn by either jumping or dashing (or a combination of both) to crush/avoid rocks and holes in the ground. The longer you stay alive, the faster the unicorn goes, and the higher your point score. A high scoreboard was published weekly with the rankings/scores of each of your friends.
here is where the crazy starts…
I have always considered myself to be an intelligent person. And very rational. But what I did next.. some might call a little bit crazy. I needed a sign that I was going to be able to be successful in electrical engineering. I just wasn’t sure if I was talented enough. I wasn’t confident. I didn’t know what was in the cards for me, but I had to decide for myself right now. So I decided to make Robot Unicorn Attack my sign from the heavens. If I could beat Alex’s score, then that would mean that hard work could surpass natural ability — and if I studied hard, I would also be able to excel in my electrical engineering courses.
I spent a full, solid week playing Robot Unicorn Attack nonstop. My roommates in college can attest to this if you don’t believe me. It was so frustrating, but I was so engrossed in it because I had so much at stake. It wasn’t just a game — it was my entire future!
I hope this isn’t anti-climatic, but I eventually beat Alex’s score.. Our scores were so high, that I had acquaintances from high school reach out to me and tell me that I was a “beast” (compliment), and that they were going to quit playing because there was no point to the game if they couldn’t get on the high-score board.
But then a devastating thing happened… Alex beat my score again in less than an hour after I had played for a week straight trying to beat his. And I was just as confused as when I first started.
Except now I realized something. I realized my energy was going to get me to where I wanted to go. There wasn’t going to be a magical moment when I would suddenly be certain that I was doing the right thing. What was in my power though, was deciding where to apply my energy, and realizing that decision and focus would lead to growth. And that knowledge became my confidence.
I found out many, many years later from one of Alex’s friends who accidentally let slip.. that Alex’s last high score was fake. He created the screenshot with his high score on Microsoft Paint because he knew how obsessed I had become with beating his score. And almost everyone knew except for me. I knew I was crazy for attributing my life path to this game, but it was just something I had to do at the time.
When I look back on this time, I still feel like I did need that external third-party validation. But when I really look deep, deep down inside, I know I’m capable of anything and everything. And so are you, if you want to try.
