The single best way to support kids’ independence
Contingent shift is your new best friend
Contingent shift a simple idea that can be powerfully applied to all that we do with kids. We want children to be able to conduct themselves successfully on their own. We know that this is a process, and that they need support along the way. Yet we don’t always know how to accomplish that.
The idea behind contingent shift is that our actions should be a direct response to (i.e., contingent upon) the actions of the child. Simple enough. Here’s how it works:
- When a child is failing at the task at hand, offer more support so they can succeed.
- When the child is succeeding, step out of the way so they can build independence.
Failing and more support
When a child is failing at the task at hand, we need to offer more support so that they can experience enough success to keep at it. That support could be advice or directions, it could include guiding their hands or body, or it could be simply encouragement.Toddler looking wobbly? Offer your fingers for support. 5-year old struggling with an art project? Hold the paper still, or suggest strategies to help. Middle schooler looking nervous about first day of school? Remind them they’ve got this!
These are examples of how we can step in and provide just enough support so that the child can keep going. Success builds interest and interest builds persistence. Persisting over time is what is required to build skill.
When I taught this idea, my undergraduates got it pretty quickly. It made sense to them, because they don’t like watching a child struggle. It feels natural to them to want to step in and offer some kind of help, even for those students who feel less comfortable with kids, or who feel that they don’t know much about working with them.
The flip side of contingent shift, in my experience, is much, much harder for people to do.
Succeeding and less support
When the child is succeeding, we need to step out of the way so that they can experience that success as a result of their own efforts, and build their sense of independence. Offering less support could be dropping your hands in your lap so you’re not poised to take over, or sitting close without comment, it could be backing away physically a bit to give the child more room, or even leaving the area/project altogether. When that toddler feels steadier? Let go of their fingers and see how they do, staying ready to reach back out if they stumble. When that 5-year old is cutting the paper well? Let go of the paper and wait until they’re stuck before reaching over again. When your middle schooler is ready to leave without looking back to say goodbye? Smile and know they’re growing up.
These are examples of how we can allow children just enough space to work and explore on their own successfully. This is how kids build a sense of independent accomplishment and capability.
We find this hard to do
Stepping back is tricky for people at many, many levels. People I talk to offer so many reasons for why they don’t back off — they’re enjoying the interaction, or they don’t think the child will continue to be successful, or they don’t know how much the child can handle…
- Please notice — How many of those reasons are about what the child is doing in the moment? None.
- Now notice — How many are about how the adult feels, or what the adult is worried about? Yep.
Here is the plain, unspoken truth: Most adults do not actually trust kids to be successful without them. So how could we imagine that kids would ever become so when they’re older? Herein lies the helicopter parent trap. Contingent shift offers us a way out.
Contingent shift builds independence
Stepping out of the way does not in any way, shape, or form mean abandoning the child to their own devices. It still requires an active monitoring of the child’s activity, after all. And it requires the readiness to continue to respond contingently — stepping in slightly if the child starts to experience failure, and yes, stepping even farther out if they continue to experience success.
All of our interactions with children should be subject to this simple equation: if the child is succeeding offer less and less support, and if the child is failing, it’s time to step back in a bit and offer some kind of support. It’s a constant dance, through which very capable little people grow up to become very capable big people.
