Cancer Stole My Identity

I have never struggled with identity issues, ever since I was really little I knew who I was, I knew what I wanted to be and I knew I was a dreamer. I was confident in the person I was, even though I grew up a red head and a dreamer the two things I was constantly bullied for both of those things, but to me it didn’t matter what the haters said, because I knew who I was. Other people’s opinions didn’t matter to me, because I was secure in who I was.

This all changed when I found out I had cancer. Before I was diagnosed I was a model and an actress and I made a living off of my confidence and my signature curly red hair. My doctors were hopeful for me saying that there was a 75% chance I would be able to keep my hair. I freaked out by the though of loosing my hair, I know it’s just hair and it grows back but that is not a helpful thing to say to someone who is loosing their hair.

Not only was my hair part of my identity and my job it was a little piece of who I was so loosing my hair was a big deal. I was part of the 25% that lost their hair. By my third round of chemo I decided to shave it, but don’t worry it will grow back. Also not a helpful saying to someone who is loosing their hair. My doctors told me that there was a chance that my hair might not come back in red or curly. I was ok with the curly part but it had to come back in red I didn’t know what I would do if it didn’t come back in red. But I would worry about that later, that was only part of my issue.

Cancer has a way of destroying everything you think you know about yourself. Before I was sick I had certain ‘facts’ that I knew about myself, like I could hold my breath for over 2 minutes, I am a really strong swimmer, I knew I was horrible at sports but I was okay with that. I had all of these things that I knew about my body that were suddenly gone. My hair gone, my muscle gone, my athletic body gone.

When I looked in the mirror I was left with this shell of a person who I barely even recognized. People would come up giving me some ‘compliment’ like you are so skinny now, you look good bald. Not only did my body physically change but it messed with my brain, and the way people were reacting to me changed how I felt about myself. I feel stupid, and useless all the time now. I know I am not smart by our standard educational system measurement but I liked to view my self as a different type of smart, I learn things from my experiences. Because of that I have way more experiences than other people my age and I gained knowledge from that. But even with that I feel stupid.

I was talking to a group of young adults with cancer and I realized I am not alone with this. They would share their stories saying they have two different masters degrees before cancer and they were at this level of knowledge that they don’t have anymore, they are still smart but are they at the level they were before cancer, no. I was really excited to learn that I wasn’t the only one, that I am not the only one that cancer made stupid.

Most people don’t realize cancer doesn’t just effect people physically it also leaves a huge mental strain on the patient. A lot of the mental things some after treatment is over, treatment was the physical part you didn’t have to do anything but show up, and throw up. It was things you have no control over, because its things that the drugs/ radiation are doing to you. The mental part comes after treatment after your “cured” or in “remission”. That is when the struggle comes to find ourselves again, because we cant go back to who you were before cancer because that person is gone. That person is just a shell left to figure out who they are now.