Dear, The Caregiver Who Feels So Helpless,
An Open Letter from A Friend: Stupid Cancer Open Letters
I am a mess. I can’t do anything to help my person who was diagnosed with cancer. Everything I say is wrong. Everything I do is wrong. If I want to help her, she thinks I think she can’t do it on her own because she is “sick”. If I don’t help her then I’m inconsiderate. I wish I could take away her pain. I wish I could take away her sickness. Why her? Why not me?
Those words constantly on repeat and spinning around in my mind after my twin sister, best friend, and soulmate was diagnosed with cancer. Over two years later and it’s still how I feel now. I would have taken it from her in a heartbeat. The uncertainty, the fear, the unknown. I would rather have it been me.
For a lot of survivors, I have heard their lives are broken up into two parts; pre-cancer and post cancer. For caregivers, I think the same rings true. Before my sister was diagnosed with cancer, I had no experience dealing with it. It was something that “could never happen to me”. Our family is cancer free as far back as we can go and no one close to us had ever been diagnosed before.
Then, like a wrecking ball, it was suddenly the only topic that anyone wanted to talk about. Also, the topic that I felt like was ripping me apart from the inside out. The topic I had no control over. It was devastating.
Then my sister heard about Stupid Cancer and CancerCon.
“Do you want to go?” she asked.
Honestly? Yes. Honestly? No.
First reaction, YES. But only because she was so excited about the possibility of a community who understood her and what she was going through. Second reaction, do I belong? Is that something for me too? Ultimately, I decided to go because I didn’t want her traveling alone while she was still in treatment.
I didn’t even think I’d really get anything out of the caregiver sessions. I was dumb enough to think I was the only one going through hell. Then, in my first caregiver session, it was like an epiphany. FINALLY, people get it. Not just people who want to be sympathetic and empathetic. NO, people who ACTUALLY understand and can relate. Every story was SO unique and so similar all at the same time. I have never felt more at home. More safe. More understood. It was the first genuine happy feeling I had felt since my sister was diagnosed. I will never forget it.
From,
A Friend
