Life's Hard Questions
I was having a conversation with my aunt and she wanted to ask me some ‘hard questions.’ What would happen if I were to die? Which given 2 months to live is a real possibility. She asked me who would get my dog? What I would want to happen to my body? Where I wanted to die? If my cancer came back, what would I do? I told her that depends on where it is, if it is on an organ that is removable they can probably take it. She asked me what if it is not removable and chemo was the only option, I probably wouldn’t do chemo.
Knowing everything that I know now, I regret doing chemo in the first place. She was intrigued by this and wanted me to explain. I look at my body before I got cancer; granted I have been sick since I was 15 so I compared the functionality of my body from before I did chemo till after I did chemo. With all the side effects that I suffered from the chemo, doing chemo wasn’t worth it.
My doctors told me after I did six rounds of chemo that my chemo didn’t work because I had too many tumors. My only option was surgery. In surgery they removed 80 tumors including the orange sized one in my colon. I still had tumors in my lungs which they couldn’t remove so I had to do 6 more rounds of chemo. After which they told me again the chemo didn’t work, all of the tumors were the same size as they were before. I was then placed in remission because none of my tumors grew and I didn’t get any new ones, even though the chemo didn’t work.
I did 12 rounds of chemo that didn’t work and now I am left with this broken body. My aunt asked me if I still had side effects from the chemo. I told her it is really hard for me to breathe sometimes or to hold my breath. She said that was because I am missing a part of my lung, I told her this was happening before I had a piece of my lung take out. I used to be able to hold my breath for two minutes, now I can barley do 15 seconds without feeling like I am dying. I used to sing and I would have to hold out really long notes which I can no longer do because my body thinks it is dying. I was getting an MRI and they had me hold my breath; I had to do it for 25 seconds — at 15 seconds my head starts pounding, at 20 seconds my body started to convulse and I was still holding my breath but my body was shaking. The nurse told me to breath because they can’t scan me if I am moving.
I used to play guitar. I would play for hours at a time, doing hard finger riffs, but now I have lost the dexterity to do just the basic chords. My brain knows what I am doing but my hands will do another. It is like I can’t get my hands to do what I want them to do. Which frustrates me because simple beginner things are something my hands can’t do anymore.
These are a few of the problems that I have had since chemo and I can live with them. But the thing that makes me sad is loosing two of my passions. Yes, I can still sing, and yes, I can still play guitar. But it is different now. I know I have a new normal that I have to get used to, but part of me just wishes I could go back to the way it was.
When I look at all the things that I have lost, am I mad that I got cancer? No, because without cancer I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Do I regret doing chemo? Kind of, but I also know that if I never did chemo and I got to where I am now, given two months to live I might regret not trying. So I guess in the grand scheme of things I got off pretty lucky. Sure I can’t play guitar or sing like I used to, and my body freaks out every time I hold my breath, but I am still able to enjoy those things. For now I am still alive, I am still able to function, I am still able to dream, and I am still able to be ME. Cancer could have killed me a long time ago but I am still here. Kicking butt and taking names.
