Things I Shouldn’t Know

I shouldn’t know what it feels like to watch my friends die
I shouldn’t have to choose whether I want to have children or not
I shouldn’t have to choose what drugs I want to take based on which side-effects I will have to live with
I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for taking a sick day
I shouldn’t have to think “I feel ugly without hair”
I shouldn’t have to feel like a shitty person for living while my friends are dying
I shouldn’t have to feel like a shitty person because I am out of treatment now and my friends are not
I shouldn’t know how to pronounce cyclophosphamide, irinotecan, oxaliplatin or all the other drugs I’ve taken
I shouldn’t have to be strong for my family and friends
I shouldn’t have to know more about cancer than my oncologist or be asking my doctor about different treatments
I shouldn’t have to know what it’s like to be missing random body parts
I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for getting to do fun things
I shouldn’t feel guilty for using the excuse, “I can’t because I have cancer”
I should feel guilty for having special privileges because I have cancer
I shouldn’t feel bad for not wanting to explain everything to everyone
I shouldn’t feel guilty for having that luxury
I should feel guilty for being sick all the time
I shouldn’t feel bad for seeing a therapist
I shouldn’t have to feel like I’m drowning just to survive
I shouldn’t have to fight with my insurance company to get my medication and treatments covered
I shouldn’t have to go bankrupt because of my cancer
I shouldn’t have to choose medications and treatments based on the price tag
I shouldn’t have to feel like a failure because I haven’t graduated college yet or figured out my life yet
I shouldn’t feel jealous watching all my friends have fun without me
I shouldn’t be mad watching their lives’ go on while mine is at a standstill
I shouldn’t feel so out of touch with society
I shouldn’t feel jealous of the children who have cancer and get the cool cancer perks
I shouldn’t have to feel like I need to work twice as hard to prove myself because I have cancer
I shouldn’t have to feel alone
I shouldn’t have to feel like nobody understands
I shouldn’t have to feel
Helpless
Weak
Alone
Pathetic
Useless

I shouldn’t feel any of theses things

But I do.