Through the Looking Glass: Shattering my Old Perspective
I think about, look at, and work on therapeutics to target cancer every day. I now see cancer through the lens of a microscope in a laboratory located in the world’s largest research institution. As crazy as it sounds, cancer cells are actually beautiful. They’re intricate and complex. And I spend hours upon hours performing experiments with drugs that are already or will be in clinical trials to treat cancer patients.
But this isn’t always how I saw cancer. When I was diagnosed with spindle cell sarcoma five years ago, I saw cancer as the death of me. My prognosis was better than most, but when I heard the word “cancer” growing up, it was almost always associated with loss — loss of a person, loss of health, loss of hair, loss of lifestyle. As a freshman in college, I was not prepared to deal with this loss. But how can you really prepare for something so life changing? To put it simply, you can’t. But you can choose how you react to this loss. You have the choice to let this burden make you stronger or defeat you.
Even in the recent past, I kept thinking back to the better days. The days before cancer. The days before some of my greatest heartbreaks planted roots in every corner of my mind. I kept reflecting on how I wish I could go back to those days. When I was carefree. When my family was intact. When my health wasn’t in question. But, that thinking crippled my spirit. The smile on my face was the façade I put on to show the world that the trials I endured didn’t break my spirit. But for a time, they did…and I’m not ashamed to admit that.
However, what I have learned is that you can’t look back and long for those days. What I have learned is that what was “normal” before being diagnosed with cancer is no longer what I can consider “normal”. And that’s okay. Living with cancer became my new normal. Undergoing surgery, radiation treatments, and sitting through endless doctor’s appointments was my new normal. And this is how I had to see my life — my life with cancer.
Why? Why should we have to accept this new outlook on cancer? Because the sooner we view, accept, and embrace our burdens and losses as the “new normal” of our lives, the sooner we let go of the never-ending battle of comparison. Comparing this new, hard, challenging life to what we thought was a beautiful life. Often we tend to only remember the positives of the lives we had before we went through our trial. But the reality is, life before cancer also had its challenges and disappointments. We have to remember that.
Today, I choose to see my cancer experience as a blessing. I look at my cancer scar on the back of my left arm and am reminded of what God has brought me through. I refuse to look back and let my previous view of cancer affect how I live my life at this present moment. My new normal is now a fight against cancer in the research laboratory, my blog “Scars Create Stars”, and my first marathon next month running as a St. Jude’s Hero. Look at your cancer experience through a new lens — you have too much to offer the world to lose sight of your fight now.
