Dear Woody Papi,
You have been living in my bussy (boi pu$$y) for the past nine weeks.
In those nine weeks you have had unrestricted and free access to me and my fine smooth ass bobbing on your dick.
Not only that, you have taken your more than fair share of this opportunity on an errrrday basis.
Am I complaining? NO.
I ENJOY sex. I think I can say proudly. I LOVE SEX.
I love it more when we can do it every day and every night. However, over the course of these adult sleepovers we had, I have only been able to cash one “check” in exchange for your many splurges of “pearl necklaces.”
This selfish arrangement is simply not acceptable for my mangina and myself. In fact, this notice serves you with 24 hours to get your shit together or get the fuck on. I want to fucking orgasm.
If you think I am being selfish, take a look from my perspective, Woody Papi.
I am a wonderful little number. I do not text you all day. I do not smother you. I drive hella late in the night to come over and fuck the living hell out of you. I like the same movies as you do (even though we have never even watched the ones you put on FYI). We laugh together, have a fun time drinking wine, and in general have great sex. However, the lack of the final blow on an occasional basis is understandable. But literally the nonexistence of it, however, means EVICTION.
I know you would not waste your time fucking me for nine weeks if every time, let’s say one lovely instance, you got really, really, really close, and then I told you I had to “pause, so I don’t cum too soon” and while you were waiting, I snored away happily after experiencing my earth-shattering eggplant juicer, would you?
No. I highly doubt you would. You say PEACE and find shelter in another, more “rewarding” location.
I have been level headed. I do not cry. I am a giving and patient lover. You can do whatever you want to me sexually, you know this from experience. I am not hosting open houses and taking applications from other prospective tenants. I give you free WIFI and free access, 24/7. However, my patience is starting to wane Woody Papi. The new contract has been drafted and the rules of tenancy are about to change.
Here is the final contract. We have talked about it before but perhaps you forgot. Again. Re-read. Take a breather, then re-read again. But I beg of you, take this seriously. Final notice. There are no exceptions.
1. I have more than one place that gives me pleasure. I do not orgasm from strictly anal. NEVER. Not to say it can’t happen, but please stop thinking that your “woody” is all I need to cum. It doesn’t happen. Please take a few minutes to explore downtown, enjoy the sights, explore the hole. I can role play as SIRI too if you’re lost. Metro Maps provided. I am bossy and have no problem with telling you to “keep doing that, don’t stop.” You know this. From the ONE time you did it. Remember, we are not meeting to “jerk off.” Remember that I did not agree to help you masturbate. We agreed to have sex, Papi…and bottoms want to cum too. Sure, I like to see you happy and love watching you cum. It’s an enjoyable experience to sexually satisfy your partner. Try it.
2. I rarely get on top. However, when I do — DO NOT FLIP ME OVER. This is just plain rude. Don’t do it. Lay back and enjoy the ride. I want to contribute, too.
3. Lube is expensive, buddy. Don’t be pouring it like its water, okay? If you touch my bussy and its not dripping wet, lube is not the blanket answer to this problem. What you should do is venture down south, but that has not been a tried and true outcome. Your hands, fingers, and mouth are welcome, invited even. I assure you, it is not a desert down there. You need to AROUSE your lover. Not DOUSE your lover.
Dear Woody Papi, do not feel like I am antagonizing you. I am encouraging you. I have complete and utter faith in your ability to satisfy me. Besides that, I really enjoy having you around in all other areas. You are funny. You are smart. You are sexy and educated. You DO NOT, however, give me an orgasm anywhere near as often as you should. You are in your thirties. You are not getting any younger. You should learn this now — us power bottoms want a stable and financially secure man. Yes. That isn’t a lie. However, I would rather prefer solitude and the satisfaction of MASTURBATION to a constant sexual let down. I know you like fucking me. Please help me to like fucking you. You have 24 hours to respond and act upon receiving this notice.
Sincerely,
Your Whore