On being avoidant
To be honest, I, like any other human want love and affection. I want the warm, gushing feelings that only arise when you are securely enamored in love. But for me, wanting to be loved and receiving love creates a tension within me.
After another failed attempt at a romantic relationship, I started wondering why I felt the way I did. On paper and lists, it all seemed so right. They were kind, gentle, generous, patient, understanding, supportive, and it goes on with how they were good for me. Despite all of these beautiful traits, I always found myself hesitating, pulling back when the thought of more, of an actual, committed relationship appeared. It didn’t matter what they did, because it was all me: my lack of commitment, my own feelings of fear and hesitation, and my avoidance of more.
The behaviors and feelings I exhibit when in the process of a romantic relationship are characteristic of someone with an avoidant attachment style.
Attachment theory focuses on how you connect and build relationships with other people. I won’t be diving too much into attachment theory here, as there are great resources existing online, but this article was meant to share my personal experience as someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment type.
Learning about attachment theory allowed me to be more aware of my behavior and to start understanding why I act the way I do. It gave me language to talk about this problem, and I highly encourage you to learn more about your own attachment style as a way to build better relationships in your own life.
Being without
Our childhood and how we grew up are some factors that shape our attachment style in our adult lives. I think growing up I largely had my needs unmet, living without companionship, affection, joy, belonging, purpose, worth to name a few.
Living without those needs, I turned inward to reject the fact I needed those needs. This became my defense mechanism to avoid having unmet needs. If I didn’t have friends during school, I didn’t care because I don’t need friends. If I didn’t get the attention I needed, it wouldn’t matter, I didn’t want it anyways.
Need is a concept I still struggle with because it seems as though I have been fine without fulfilling my needs. I have been able to live without for so long, that when my needs are met, I struggle to properly receive it. Although I still don’t understand my needs, I am instead challenging myself to validate these feelings. It is valid to feel that I need friends. It is valid to realize that I have been living without, making me emotionally insecure.
As a child, I had to live with my unmet needs. I was able to survive by invalidating and denying those feelings but as an adult, I need to realize I am responsible and capable of fulfilling my own needs.
Being without with others
I grew up without my needs met, and it defined who I become in romantic relationships. Love became a twisted idea of who could care less, who was the least emotionally invested, a corrupt dynamic of power. Reflecting on my past relationships, I was afraid of being unable to meet my partner’s needs, that I avoided being close or giving them affection, not realizing I inadvertently had been withholding their needs from them with my distance and cool demeanor.
I was hurt, but my pain had grown into a monster that was capable of hurting the ones I cared about the most. Looking back, I’m most grateful that the people I had been involved with were secure within themselves and were capable of doing the best thing by leaving the toxic situation I had created.
Even though I see myself as a villain, I need to realize I still am deserving of love and a secure relationship. I need to forgive myself and realize I was doing the best I could with what I knew.
Nurturing my needs
There’s a lot of healing and self-discovery I need to do before I venture out again. I am mature enough to understand that I am responsible for my own issues and problems. Attachment styles aren’t fixed. They are fluid and changing. It is possible to unlearn these avoidant behaviors in an effort to better cultivate healthy relationships.
It’s a process, navigating my own emotional landscape. It’s been hard, but I’ve also never been more tender and filled with joy. Avoiding emotions to avoid pain is easy, but true strength is having the courage to feel, and that makes me truly happy. 🥰
