Empathy Is More Than Just Walking In Someone Else’s Shoes
Here’s a definition I prefer.
When someone tells me about empathy, this is usually the first image that comes up.
It means walking in someone else’s shoes.
Basically, you’re supposed to see life throughout someone else’s perspective. But it doesn’t resonate that much with me anymore.
I mean, I get it. If we could magically do that, then yes, that’s what empathy would be.
However, it’s fucking hard.
Why ?
Because we all see life through the thick lens of our own experience.
So how would I define empathy ? My mentor’s definition is the one that stuck with me the most.
Empathy is presence without judgement—Gerhard Diedericks
When I give my undivided attention to someone.
Put down my own life goggles.
Look into their eyes.
Listen without the intend of responding, nor judging what they are sharing.
Not over-analyze.
Just be there and listen.
That’s when I feel I’m being empathetic.
That’s when I get a glimpse of how they are feeling.
How they see life.
What they have been through.
The more I practice it, the better I get at understanding and not judging.
Does that make me feel like I walk in their shoes? I don’t know. Maybe with time. Maybe with people we really know.
What I don’t like about this image is that it implies one could ever get a holistic sense of someone else’s experience.
With such strong action as walking in their shoes, I don’t see how I could leave all the biases I’ve accumulated from my own life to see through someone else’s life.
From my perspective, it would lead to get in someone’s head to try to fix them. And I’m trying to get away from the idea that I need to fix others.
The action of walking in their shoes seems too agressive, too proactive for non-judgmental connection.
The way I see it, empathy gives me clues and brief dives into someone’s life. Imagining that I could ever get the whole picture seems full of hubris. There’s only so much you can understand. And is that the point anyway?
Empathy is the default state when we are present.
It’s the proactively passive approach of receiving rather than pulling.
Shifting to this perspective has dramatically improved my capacity to be with others without the intend to instruct, judge or fix.
It has opened up channels for better relationships and better human connection.
