The trap of external validation
It took me two months to find my job. Two months of full-time networking, prepping and interviewing.
All I did was learn more about the roles I was interested in, create a network, find prospects, apply, get rejected, apply again, prepare, interview, get rejected again.
More importantly, throughout the ups and downs, I learned to polish my story and frame it in a way I would convince others I would be the perfect hire.
Whenever I would get a yes to the next step, that would validate something. In my story, in my capabilities… in my worth?
And getting a no, although not that big of a deal most of the time, would have the opposite effect.
I had no intention in having these thoughts, but they creeped in, and as I put my whole focus on this job search, I had no more self-care shield to make sure I was keeping my self-worth above all this.
The little inner voice that usually champions me had no say anymore, overwhelmed by an inner critic that would look for external signals to re-evaluate, both up and down, whether I was enough.
Which would then directly dictate how I would feel.
The thing is, once it was engrained, that little voice also creeped in within my personal relationships.
I became more demanding of signs of love and attention, and not getting them would trigger me in ways I was not used to. Does she care about me, does he love me? yes? no?
All this eroded my own self-love and made me accumulate a lot of negativity. I became susceptible, moody, impatient, complaining all the time.
Now, I’m sitting here writing about this, describing in detail why I felt that way.
But the worst part was back then, I didn’t understand why I was feeling that way.
Why was I being so edgy.
I would behave in ways I usually self-advocate against, and couldn’t get myself to feel peaceful.
And I would judge myself for it pretty aggressively, which obviously didn’t help.
What popped the bubble was intentional inner work.
It wasn’t instant.
It took me weeks of meditation, self-compassion and putting words on it to understand the inner turmoil.
It took accepting to relax.
It took understanding I had to accept those feelings, behavior, thoughts, and not gut myself for them.
Accepting all of these were part of my human experience, yet that I was not obliged to identify so closely with them.
And finally, the climax of going through Medium articles, high-lighting every possible sentence that triggered a omg-this-is-totally-what-i-am-feeling.
Sílvia Bastos’s were the ones to summarize it all in this article:
“As a consequence of our negativity, we gradually give way to insecurities which we end up projecting onto people around us.
We subconsciously try to meet our need for validation through them; we compare ourselves to them and enter a competitive mentality; or we lash out at them, when deep down we are angry at no one but ourselves.”
And then, I finally breathed. I accepted. I could let go.
And the wheel keeps spinning…
It’s very likely I’ll go through this again several times in my life.
And that’s okay.
As frustrating as it all was, the feeling of finally understanding was both powerful and self-endearing.
What I’d say though, is that this taught me to pay more attention to me in intense times of transition and focus. So, I guess I’ll bookmark my own words until next time.
