Where did my patience go?
The annoying side-effect of healing.
Back in 2015, I got sick. With two herniated discs in my lower back, I couldn’t do much. No sitting, no standing, no walking.
The cherry on top was that I had no idea I would actually heal. I still remember tearing up when my doctor at the time would tell me that usually, you just have to put up with it for the rest of your life.
But I’m 20, I said. What the fuck, I thought.
Anyhow, I internalized that, and decided I had to come up with a life-plan. I couldn’t just sit there and cry my eyes out about myself for ever.
Plus, I had just committed to this kick-ass new year’s resolution of taking anything that comes my way with philosophy. Ugh, okay. That includes being stuck in bed, I guess.
And the months that followed were amazing. Hard, yes. But still, amazing. Three years later, I recall the great moments way more instantly than the tough ones.
I remember feeling extremely resilient and peaceful. I made such good use of my time — learning, reading, letting my friends and family take care of me. I was really living up to my resolution: feeling zen and accepting of anything I couldn’t control.
I promised myself that I would hold on to that zen.
Especially when I would heal.
That I would use this disability to remind myself of what matters, and what doesn’t.
Now, let’s focus back on today. I was just in New York, after spending a year in Berkeley, after working for a year in Australia.
My back is in great shape -lucky-, I’m having a great time, and… my mind is spinning, getting annoyed at tiny little things, like people bumping into me, the coffee line being too long, picking the wrong WholeFoods queue, my SweetGreens salad not being mixed the right way -damn it. Why me.
Since I’ve healed, I’ve noticed this ever-lasting zen was slipping away, and it’s been harder and harder to hold on to it.
And it keeps me wondering: can I not be healthy and patient with life?
Do I really need to be in the worst state of my life to feel grateful, patient, acceptant of what I cannot control?
Surely, I can do better. There’s a strong layer of entitlement in these complaints that I’m not happy about.
I also can do better than indulging in group whining- which I already wrote about- that I have been more guilty of lately.
All of this is fine, of course. It’s natural to complain from time to time. But when it’s becoming a daily, multiple-times-a-day, toxic habit, it really bothers me — to the point I start complaining about complaining. Duh.
Now, how do I get out of this loop?
How can I go back to a more acceptant, stoic and at-ease mindset without going through a major life crisis?
Should I go to yoga 3 times a day?
Would a 50-day silent meditation retreat in Nepal cut it?
Punch everyone who complains in the face, including myself?
I mean, these are valid ideas. Kind of.
But without going to those extents, it remains a bit of a puzzle to find out how to go back to that relaxed, acceptant, non-attached mindset.
I don’t have the answer yet, but I suspect it lies within being more present and using calming activities like journalling and meditating.
I’ll let you know how it all evolves.
