Why do I do things?
An inventory of the right and wrong reasons.
I’ve recently transitioned to a rhythm of life very different from what the past six years have looked like.
I do things… to over-achieve
After high school, I studied a lot, striving to get from one great school to the other. I was lucky to travel quite a bit, but even then, the need for productivity and high achievements was baked into my day-to-day.
Wait, there are other reasons to do things?
Since I’m done with grad school, I have landed a job that fulfills my own values: it’s challenging, it resonates with my character, it brings me joy… and it gives me the chance to balance work and life.
So, I realized I didn’t have to read productivity books only, as fast as possible, making every minute useful in some way.
Reading novels again, painting, playing pool, taking violin lessons… making space for what I enjoy doing, or what I want to explore.
Could there be something more?
Then, another realization hit me. Regardless of productivity, I had grown up as a type-A person, meaning everything I did, I had to nail down like a pro.
Playing piano… sure, only if I’m playing flawlessly.
Painting… sure, only if I’m being praised for the quality of my art.
Playing pool… ah, sure, only if I’m instantly as good as my boyfriend, regardless of the fact I just started playing.
The ulterior motive of being good — or worse, be considered good by others — was defeating the purpose of exploring new activities.
Don’t get me wrong, striving to progress is not negative in itself. But the mindset I’m describing was flawed in that I only focused on the result of everything I did.
Rather than focusing on the impact of that activity on me while I’m doing it.
That’s when I asked myself: why do I do things? And tried to reframe my mind to focus on other reasons.
To be creative
A dear friend once told me about drawing classes he had been taking. The way the teacher ran the class, was to ask them to seek joy in every stroke they made.
If they weren’t pleased with the result, they could step back, and again look for joy in the movements of their pencil.
That way, the focus was on the experience of drawing, and my friend told me there was no way you could not be satisfied with the result after that.
To feel free
Now, I could allow myself to sit around during a whole Saturday and basically do nothing. And do that again on Sunday if I wished to.
Being okay with that, and not having any expectations from myself, created a strong sense of freedom. I could do so many things, and I could also do nothing. There’s no pressure either way.
To let thoughts out
Writing has proved, especially by its absence, to be a cathartic experience for me. I went through several stages of writing for myself, then writing to please, then writing to sell myself, back to writing for myself, and well…
Understanding why I write was an interesting journey. I remember telling one of my mentors, who was pushing me to pick it up again, that I needed to find something different in my writing. That I needed something bigger, or whatever. Again, I was trying too hard to achieve something.
In truth, I guess I needed to go through that cycle to realize how simple it was: I just really enjoy putting words on my thoughts, and it doesn’t have to go beyond that.
To expand one’s mind
We are all constantly evolving, and I’ve been fighting the idea of being categorized into a box.
So, not thinking “I’m not the kind of person who does…” and rather think “I’ve never done this before, but sure, let me give this a try!” has been extremely fulfilling for me.
This is also where the idea of not necessarily striving to become an expert comes in. I recently got myself some painting, drawing materials, and paint-on-glass materials.
Before adopting this mindset, I would never have done that. I would have focused on one, try to get really really good at it, and probably get bored if I didn’t make enough progress (according to me). Now, I just have that in my home, and whenever I feel like doing one or the other… I just do. And when I feel like stoping for days, weeks or months, then… I just do.
To discover someone else’s world
Sharing someone else’s passion, even for one try, can be super fun.
It will never mean you have to do it again. It will never mean you even have to like it. But I find that there’s a lot you can understand or discover about someone when you’re willing to dive a toe into their own little world.
To feel good
I don’t think I can describe how I felt during my last yoga class, a few days ago. Bliss would be a good word to summarize it.
The physical and mental peace that you get out of sweating, going from shape to shape and being considerate of each of your movements is, to me, priceless.
To challenge a fear
I’ve always been afraid of sharks. When I discovered that great white sharks were a thing (probably when I was 8 or so), I would have nightmares about them, and were since then afraid of anything under the sea.
But, after my boyfriend and I were done with our open water dive certification, there was something incredibly exciting (and also scary) about meeting some sharks. (Not great whites though!)
Which we did…
While I felt a little… that’s a lie, considerably nervous on the boat, right before getting into the water, I felt much more peaceful going down, and then seeing those bull sharks… damn, it was one of the most incredible experiences I’ve had!
Another time I challenged a fear was when I started playing the piano in a public space, in Sydney. I had always been frightened to play in front of others, and forcing myself to let go of what others might think if I did a mistake, was incredible to face that fear of judgement.
Other reasons I sometimes do things
I wouldn’t want to deny that it happens quite often.
Pleasing others, seeking external validation, escaping negative feelings such as sadness or loneliness also are reasons I sometimes do things.
It never gets me to a good place, which is why I try to avoid them, but as I’m writing these words, I’m also thinking about the fact that these are also part of our human experience, and that compassion for myself will always go a long way.
