Who is Doing the Programming?
A Meditation On Tribes, Scripting, and Taking Control
Let’s take a moment to pat ourselves on the back for being such a kick-ass species! Sure we kill each other and ourselves needlessly. And, yes, we’ve done concrete harm to the planet. But let’s set all that aside for now and focus on what a fantastic set of sensors, processors, and actuators the human brain and body have evolved into!
We have a keen early warning system that allows us to detect subtle changes in behavior and of those around us which alert us that something is wrong. We have social behaviors such as bartering and negotiation. Interestingly, we commingle into one or more tribes based on tastes and values and the circles we’re born into. I’m guessing tribal affiliation saved our ass as a species way, way back. But this same social instinct that has evolved in our brains over tens of thousands of years may be working against us in modern times.
The world has grown fantastically complex since the early days of humanity and the same brain designed several millennia ago to exist among 150 or so people has not kept up with the vast expansion of tribal affiliation. Instead of one tribe, we belong to several. Some of the tribes are businesses. Some are political parties. Some are charities, your old friends from high school, religions, social media spheres, professional groups, and bowling leagues.
They all want a part of you, sometimes the lump sum of your human worth. Tribes continue to exist because of behaviors like giving, worship, advertising, crusading, or patronage. The seeds of these behaviors are sewn into our beliefs which, like any landscape, can be molded and shaped to yield a particular result. In this case, the desired result is survival of the tribe among many other tribes.
You are fundamental to their existence. You are their center of gravity. Some tribes truly want what’s best for you. Others say they do but deep down inside we know better.
Don’t get me wrong, aligning with ideas, beliefs, products, or any other tribal affiliation isn’t always bad. Consider the kid who enlisted in the Navy today. What about the lady going to her tenth AA meeting tonight? Both examples illustrate noble, deliberate actions. It took some forethought and consideration before doing either of these.
So who gets a piece of our action? Who do we let in?
Permit me this one disservice to our miraculous brain by comparing it to a computer. The brain stores and processes information and sends commands to other parts of the machine. Each of the roughly 7 billion of these computers in the world is programmed slightly differently.
Many software updates are performed in the background — installation is permitted to run in our conscious states, or passively though our subconscious. These include the repeated messages from your asshole fourth grade teacher who called you lazy every day. It could also be the abundant reassurance you receive from teammates that instilled a sense of self-confidence. Maybe your coaches stayed longer after practice so you could run the hurdles a couple more times? Your ideas of what belonging and security meant were installed by your parents showing up for school plays and graduations…or they weren’t.
As you aged, more software updates came from watching TV and we began to solidify our identities. We learned that cool people drink beer poolside and get hot chicks. Hard working men wear flannel, drive pick-up trucks, and eat lots of steak. Sophisticated white people drive BMWs that they got for Christmas with giant red bows on top.
Starting in the mid-90’s software updates came via the internet as well. Not long afterward, we got them over our phones. We began receiving new and modified software at an alarming rate. It’s now to the point that our CPUs are so busy receiving and adapting to all the updated scripting that they’re unable to perform core tasks.
By the time you reached a certain age, the software that controlled much of your day-to-day behavior was installed; the product was generally in place for the long haul like Internet Explorer. Now each and every day the script for how the world expects you to operate is slightly modified. The software is constantly updated, but the programs do more or less the same things.
Then one day you realize that you were scripted to be the insecure guy, or the hero guy, or the martyr guy, or the drug user guy, or the jock guy. Maybe you’re the redneck guy or the coward guy? Leader guy or follower guy? Maybe you’re just a plain old asshole?
We okay with our script?
Where’s the Sysadmin in all this? Can we make time to evaluate the necessity of some of the software in there?
Outside of our genetics and some clinically diagnosed maladies, we have a choice in how we’re scripted.
Modifying existing behaviors and beliefs normally takes time and dedication. Yeah, there are punctuated exceptions like the birth of your first child or getting robbed which imprint themselves on our limbic system like Lincoln’s head on a penny, but re-scripting is possible. Aristotle knew this and wrote a book about it called Ethics.
Re-writing our scripts won’t work if we eat around the edges of our behaviors. Most of what we do is really just an outcome of an underlying root cause. You weren’t hooked after just one cigarette, something brought you back again and again. There’s an underlying reason why you avoid confrontation. There’s a reason why you yell at children when you drive by the playground (JERK!). Why just treat the symptoms?
Only treating the symptoms is too easy. That’d be like saying “all the passengers are dead because the bus crashed”, without going so far as to explain the drunken bus driver, the wet roads, the fallen tree in the middle of the road, or the suitcase full of fireworks.
Plus, this is Suffer Lab. You want easy? Go back to Facebook.
Getting to the roots of our beliefs and our behaviors is like climbing up a water slide: the path is pretty easy to figure out, but true progress is challenging. Uncut, filthy, harrowing honesty with yourself in the process is the only thing that will keep you moving forward and man does it suck sometimes!
You’ve gotta keep asking “why” over and over like a 3 year-old asking how babies are made. Then you’ve gotta follow that with “What if I…” and “How can I…” questions.
Here’s an extremely milquetoast example:
- Why was I fired? My work was always late and incomplete.
- Why was my work late and incomplete? It required collaboration with other people and I didn’t reach out to them.
- Why didn’t I reach out to my co-workers? I never felt comfortable approaching them.
- Why was I uncomfortable with this? I’ve always been anxious around people.
- When did I start feeling anxious around people? The second day of Junior High school when Becky and her friends….
- Who says I have to be this way? How can I get over this?
A few points to tack on while I’m at it:
- The process starts in private.
- Don’t post your results on social media. You’re working towards something genuine and giving it away diminishes its prominence.
- For political stances, don’t plagiarize what you’ve heard on the news or what people in your circles keep shouting into the echo chamber.
- Once is never enough.
- Brace for potential exile.
The process is hard because it’s scary. In social/political spheres we may find that our true beliefs no longer match up with our tribe’s. In a society where many tribal beliefs tend to be a package deal, differing in some aspects can compel us to silence lest we court abandonment. Few forms of suffering are as miserable as being misunderstood or alone. Maybe that’s what keeps us in line?
What if we want to join a different tribe? What if we’re changing who we’re scripted to be in order to give ourselves over to something greater than ourselves? Remember the guy who joined the Navy today or the lady who is going to AA? Both cases demand some behavior modification and adaptation to organizational values. There’s a partial surrendering of one’s self that some may find difficult.
Scripts can be re-written. Programs can be swapped out with something that makes the system run better. Some programs can be removed and not replaced at all as with bad habits. Who you “are” and what you do are an accumulation of choices. You choose to update the software. You choose to write the script. You’ll screw it up sometimes and you’ll go to bed feeling strong other times.
Whatever you are, whatever tribes you align with, however you respond to what the world tries to hand you depends on who is updating the software. Don’t spend another day thinking you don’t get a say in the matter.
