A Silent Goodbye

Because nobody tells you how hard it is to quit.

The day was April 29th. My last day at my last job. The day my life was forever going to change.

Although I left on good terms, that ending came after a prolonged period of emotional turmoil. That day signaled the end.

Or at least the beginning of the end.

So why was it so hard to leave? For me to finally quit? To say goodbye? Why did I cry in the car? The entire ride home? When I was able to keep the emotions and tears at bay for many weeks?

I mean its not like things were going well and that I was happy. By the end of it, and for the last 6 months, I was miserable and dreaded coming to work.

Since last January (almost a year and a half ago) I’d gone from exhausted to frustrated to angry to miserable to hopeless. It wasn’t always like this of course, but the negativity and frustration is what’s salient in my mind. This of course bled through to my personal life. I stopped doing the things I love, spending quality time with those I love, and few things brought me joy. I found myself drifting further away from my spirituality and I suffered greatly because of that.

I’m not trying to paint my last job as this horrible place to work. There were a lot of great things, but the unpleasant things outshone the good for me. I’m saying all this to get you to understand my confusion at how I felt when I finally left.

You would think I would feel joy, relief, freedom, and excitement. And I did.

I also felt deep sadness and longing.

I missed the familiarity and comfort. I greatly missed the people I worked with and the close friends I made. Even before leaving. It took everything in me, every fiber of my being, to hold it together in front of them. I didn’t want to cause them any more pain than I already was. It was enough that I was leaving. Abandoning them, it felt.

I left.

I cried.

And then I was confused.

I was moving on to a much better opportunity and a new chapter of my life that I was beyond ecstatic about! But all I could think was “I don’t want to leave”.

And I didn’t want to leave.

I tried so hard to make things better at work, to carve out a place that I would be happy, where I could grow. But I kept facing road blocks and it never quite worked out.

It felt like I had failed.

It felt like I was giving up.

Even though I tried. Really. Really. Hard.

I gave up.

I quit.

I had to finally admit that this place was not for me. That I had no real future here and that I would stagnate. That I had already stagnated. And settled. And allowed this place to poison the good parts of me.

I knew I had to leave. I had to leave to survive. To live. Now.

As far as hard decisions go, this one was the easiest to make, and the hardest to execute.

But I did it.

I made it.

So I’m writing this to say goodbye. Goodbye to the past version of me. To the woman I was during that chapter. To tell her I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I let you suffer. I’m sorry it took me so long to speak out and take action. I’m sorry I didn’t think you were worth more. I’m sorry I didn’t think you deserved better. I’m sorry I left you to doubt yourself. I’m sorry I let your confidence shatter. I’m sorry I let this experience affect what I thought of you. I’m sorry I let that negativity into your life. I’m sorry I didn’t leave sooner. I’m sorry I didn’t make you a priority. And I’m sorry I didn’t treat you better.

I want you to know that your pain and struggle was worth it. That you weren’t alone in this. That you should be proud of how much you endured. That your efforts weren’t unnoticed or unappreciated. That those efforts mattered. That you matter.

I’m writing this to honour that woman who did so much. To say thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I can’t say that enough. Thank you for holding on. Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for facing the impossible and still trying. Thank you for persevering. Thank you for remembering your worth. Thank you for wanting better. Thank you for not settling. Thank you for trying one more time. For being the reason I’m here today. The reason I’m on to something so much bigger and better.

I’m grateful to you and what you taught me. What I learned about my self. About my drive, motivation, and ambition. About my endurance and perseverance. About kindness and compassion. About love. Especially love. Loving myself.

You will be missed.

But not too much because I’m now off to a better journey. One that I will take you on with me. You will always be here, part of me, watching over me. Watching your hard work pay off and motivating me to be better. To want better. To aim higher. To believe in myself.

And finally goodbye.

I am leaving you behind in a sense. Keeping you with me, but no longer being you. Shedding you, folding you, keeping you in a box. One I’ll open from time to time, or else look at as a reminder. But I will no longer wear you. And eventually, I’d like to think I’ll be able to let that box go. To set you (and me) free. Until you become nothing but a distant memory.

One I look back on with fondness.

Goodbye and be free.

Free.