My Biggest Regret
Growing up I thought I was invincible. Nothing could ever hurt me or cause such heartache, that I physically felt as if my heart was ripped out. However, I was wrong because on May 6, 2016, my life changed forever.
I grew up in a normal household or what at least I thought was normal. Married parents and two siblings, a brother and a sister. Our age difference was 6 years for my sister and 9 years for my brother. As a little girl, we all played like any other siblings would, the usual fights and arguing over the tv controller but it was all fun because we loved each other.
As I grew older I became distant from them. I was independent and away from the house. I spent all of my time away because I was trying to escape from the rules and wanted to explore during my teenage years. At the time my friends were more important to me, or so I thought. As my siblings and I drifted apart, we had less in common. We were all consumed by our own interests. I was in high school living my carefree life galavanting and making out with my boyfriend. My biggest dilemma was which outfit I was going to wear the next day. It was quite pathetic now that I think about it.
The same was true for my siblings. They had their own personal likes and dislikes. The sad thing about it was, I had no idea what those interests were or who they were growing up to be. I wasn’t around enough to care and because of that our relationship suffered. This could have been an easy fix, but in the moment it seemed like a time-consuming task. So instead we just passed each other in the hallways and occasionally hugged. This grew to become one of my biggest regrets.
My little brother, Austin, was a character, to say the least. Austin kept to himself a lot but he was a very intelligent person. The moments I would strike up a conversation with him I was in awe. He would express himself in such a deep way, it would astonish me to know he was only 16 years old. He loved video games, spiderman, and music. Austin would lock himself in his room with his headphones glued to this ears. We would catch him rocking out to deadmau5, covered head to toe in black clothing. In his own world, he was content and in his happy place. If you ever needed a favor he was undoubtedly willing to help, he always wanted to give money to strangers who were less fortunate and if he could save an animal, he would. Austin was a genuine person filled with love, innocence, and knowledge. He was always the first person I would want to comfort me during my many heartaches. His warm hands resting softly on my shoulder was all I needed to know I was going to be ok. My brother had my back and that’s all that mattered.
Tragically my little brother died on May 6, 2016, from Rhabdomyosarcoma, a rare muscle cancer found in younger children. His death wasn’t sudden, he was diagnosed in July of 2015 and he fought hard and long and with such grace of a true angel. Not once did he complain after the many blood transfusions. Nor did he have pity on himself after the immense amounts of chemotherapy and radiation treatments. The countless nights of throwing up due to the chemotherapy, which would cripple me with fear. I truly do not know how he handled it at times, he was a true fighter.
As they say, time heals all wounds. Well, time has gone by and I can recall the eerie phone call giving me the news of his death like it was yesterday. I lost a piece of my heart that day and will forever be missing him. Through his death, I have learned many lessons. My brother taught me that life is not promised to anyone. We need to live life fully every day and with passion, because it is too short. My brother had 16 years on this earth and he managed to touch many people from all over and in such a way that will never be forgotten.
Life is a series of trials and tribulations. Instead of worrying about the petty things we need to put all that energy into something meaningful and worthwhile. My newly discovered passion is working with families that are affected by cancer. Shortly after my brothers passing I discovered The Mommy and Me Cancer Foundation. They provide financial support to mothers suffering from life-threatening cancers while raising small children. I found my calling and have been interning with them now for almost 2 months. I know my brother led me to this path and I am going to live up to his expectations and honor him in everything I do. I have a new perspective on life and I am thankful every day for the moments I have with my loved ones. I will no longer take that for granted.
With that being said, I leave you with this, “Those who we love don’t go away, they walk beside us every day. Unseen and unheard always near, so loved so missed so very dear.” -Author Unknown.
Rest in peace little brother, I know I will see you again. I love you.
