How to Understand Anyone
Lessons from Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People
I still remember my first ever date. And yes, it was as awkward as you would imagine.
The afternoon started out with great potential: we met at this quaint little coffee shop with colorful frescos and a shelf full of old board games.
He greeted me outside in the winter chill and ordered me a piping hot cup of latte.
This cutesy, romantic start was then followed by two hours of him raving about his favorite bands, and me “uh-huhing” while pretending to have heard of them. Needless to say, sparks did not fly.
While trying to distract myself from the painful awkwardness that is the conversation, I realized a very sobering fact: I had no idea how to connect with people different from me.
This is what got me hooked on the science of connection. Is there a way to bypass my social inadequacies with deliberate studying? How can I have captivating conversations and relationships with anyone I meet? How can I be of value to others through our interactions? Thus began my journey of bettering my people skills.
I came across this book Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People by Vanessa Van Edwards. It is a book that studies and reveals the science behind social behavior and promises to help “recovering awkward people” such as me become less awkward.
It is very much like Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, with a twist of science and statistics.
This article will focus on the second part of the book: The First Five Hours, which focuses on understanding the people in your life and figuring out what drives them. Here are some of the biggest insights.
To Decode Hidden Emotions, Read Microexpressions
People aren’t always upfront about their emotions. However, before people are able to mask their true emotions on their faces, these emotions reveal themselves in the form of microexpressions.
Microexpressions are a brief, involuntary facial expression that people immediately make when they feel intense emotions. They are universal human behaviors and do not vary across cultures.
There are seven microexpressions: anger, contempt, happiness, fear, surprise, disgust, sadness. By learning to recognize these facial tells, you can decode someone’s true emotional reactions.
Here are the keys traits of each microexpression:
- Anger: Furrowed brows, tense eyelids, and tight lips.
- Contempt: One side of brow raised, eyes narrowed, and the body turns away.
- Happiness: Lips up, cheeks raised, and crow’s feet near eyes.
- Fear: Brows flat, eyelids raised, mouth open.
- Surprise: Brows raised and curved, eyelids open, mouth open.
- Disgust: Nose wrinkled, cheeks raised, lower lip raised.
- Sadness: Brows in, lips down, jaws up.
How To Figure Out Someone’s Personality
Getting the best out of people is like solving a puzzle. Or according to a good friend of mine, like “peeling an onion”.
In order to know how to best get along with someone, you’ll want to gain an understanding of their personality. This will help you predict and understand their behavior. Understanding someone’s personality will also help you gauge how to compromise or facilitate cooperation during times of conflict.
The big five personality model (Popularized by Jordan Peterson) is the psychological principle that posits that all humans have five basic personality traits: openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism (easily remembered by the acronym OCEAN).
- Openness refers to how much someone is open to new ideas and experiences.
- Conscientiousness refers to the degree of orderliness and industriousness, in other words, organization and self-discipline.
- Extroversion measures how much people drive energy from social interactions.
- Agreeableness measures how likely someone is to consider others’ needs before their own, and traits like cooperativeness and empathy.
- Neuroticism refers to an individual’s tendency to get negative emotions like worry and stress.
Once you’ve figured out how an individual falls on these personality scales, you’d be able to better emphasize with them and understand their thought processes. We want to be heard and understood, and having a grasp on another’s personality can also be a good tool for connection!
Lastly, it is important to remember that there is no “best” or “normal” personality. People exist in all areas of the spectrum and this is not a scale to be used to judge people by.
Appreciate People In A Way They Can Appreciate
Being appreciated is essential to a happy life and giving appreciation is the key to good relationships. Similar to how people have different love languages, people prefer to give and receive appreciation in different ways.
There are five main “appreciation languages”: words of affirmation, gifts, physical touch, acts of service, and quality time.
- Words of affirmation: Appreciation through the spoken or written word, like cards, texts, and heart-to-hearts.
- Gifts: Express care through small gifts or tokens of appreciation, like flowers, candy or jewelry.
- Physical touch: Express care through touch, like hugs, kisses, and pats on the back.
- Acts of service: Appreciate through doing things for others, like cooking a nice dinner, running errands, or cleaning the house.
- Quality time: Express care simply by spending time in the presence of loved ones.
Understanding other people’s appreciation languages will guide you to best appreciate them. Normally, what people give the most is what they want to receive the most. For example, if someone gives the best gifts, you can bet that they would appreciate thoughtful gifts from others as well!
Side note: don’t be boring and predictable when you appreciate someone. To maximize joy, bring an element of novelty into your appreciation!
To Get Along With Anyone, Figure Out What They Value
Have you ever thought to yourself: “Why on Earth would someone make a decision like that?”
People don’t always value the same things in life and in decision making. That is why we often have trouble understanding someone else’s choices. Figuring out someone’s primary values would mean that you could better take care of them, and forge stronger relationships by providing them with what they need.
We all have some need we are looking to fill in our relationships. The primary values that people search for in relationships are love, service, status, money, goods, and information.
- Love: They value feeling appreciated, accepted, and liked.
- Service: They are looking to be cared for and supported.
- Status: They want to be praised, respected and relied on.
- Money: They value tangible wealth.
- Goods: They value items and products.
- Information: They value ideas, opinions, advice.
Social interaction is a way of value exchange. What do you want to give and what are others looking for? Equal exchange of resources is key to good relationships: make sure to give as well as take.
A lack of some primary value also drives essential fears and insecurity, so always strive to give someone more of what they value to bring them security and happiness.
This is one of the most interesting books I’ve read recently. A lot of the social strategies mentioned in the book may sound like common sense, but the author explains the science and research behind each strategy and even outlines experiments she designed to confirm them!
The book also introduces lots of actionable steps to put these strategies into action. Practice makes perfect, and this book shows how to integrate these practices into your relationships.
So how do I: Read micro-expressions more accurately and avoid misinterpretations? Ask the best questions to decode someone’s personality? Or figure out someone’s primary value without directly asking?
For more tips, actionable steps and the science behind these strategies, get the book here: https://amzn.to/39xbBP9
Or, get this book for free as an audiobook by signing up for Audible.com:
