The Science of Charming Leaders
Lessons from Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People, Part 3
I still remember my first ever date. And yes, it was as awkward as you would imagine.
The afternoon started out with great potential: we met at this quaint little coffee shop with colorful frescos and a shelf full of old board games.
He greeted me outside in the winter chill and ordered me a piping hot cup of latte.
This cutesy, romantic start was then followed by two hours of him raving about his favorite bands, and me “uh-huhing” while pretending to have heard of them. Needless to say, sparks did not fly.
While trying to distract myself from the painful awkwardness that is the conversation, I realized a very sobering fact: I had no idea how to connect with people different from me.
This is what got me hooked on the science of connection. Is there a way to bypass my social inadequacies with deliberate studying? How can I have captivating conversations and relationships with anyone I meet? How can I be of value to others through our interactions? Thus began my journey of bettering my people skills.
I came across this book Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People by Vanessa Van Edwards. It is a book that studies and reveals the science behind social behavior and promises to help “recovering awkward people” such as me become less awkward.
It is very much like Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People”, with a twist of science and statistics.
This article will focus on the third part of the book: The First Five Days, which focuses on leading people and developing deeper relationships. Here are some of the biggest insights.
Read about the first two parts of this book:
To Make People Listen, Tell Stories
Stories have the unique ability to create a common emotional state and accelerate bonding between the storyteller and the listener. So in order to communicate your ideas more effectively, tell stories.
So how do we tell a good story?
Step one: start with an interesting “hook”. Start with a question or an intriguing premise that pulls in attention and make people want more.
Step two: emphasize tension and struggle. A story, like conversations, should not be flat like a kiddie ride in an amusement park. It should have highs and lows, struggles and solutions. Make sure that your story creates variations in emotions throughout.
Step three: use vivid language that stimulates the senses. Mental images often provoke the same emotional responses as the real thing. For example, the words “coffee” and “jazz” are more likely to provoke a stronger emotional response than words like “paper” or “chair”.
To Lead with Confidence, Surrender Control
Empower people by giving them control and ownership. When people feel personally invested in the outcome of a pursuit, they become more motivated and therefore effective. Ownership can take up multiple forms: emotional, skill and methodology.
Emotional ownership: find a common mission and purpose with the people you lead, and motivate people with the pursuit of these values.
Skill ownership: allow people to work on what they are good at, and they will feel more capable and inspired.
Methodology ownership: within reason, allow people to decide how to get something done.
In short, to be a good leader, don’t solve problems. Empower people to solve them for you instead.
To Build Lasting Relationships, Be Vulnerable
Secrets and vulnerability encourage connection. Vulnerability shows that we are relatable, honest and real. It humanizes us and makes it known to others that they are not the only ones who struggle.
So do not shy away from sharing vulnerabilities when appropriate. Instead, use it as an opportunity to bond.
There’s also an interesting phenomenon called the franklin effect. It is the psychological phenomenon in which when someone helps you out by doing you a favor or giving you advice, they like you more.
Asking for help and advice is like a subtle way of demonstrating vulnerability. It brings us closer by showing that “I don’t know everything”, and that “I, too, am fallible.”
Finally, be grateful and show appreciation when others do lend a helping hand (preferably using their appreciation language!).
To Deal with Difficult People, Alleviate Their Fears
Fear makes good people difficult.
When people act difficult, they are usually overwhelmed by fear and not acting rationally. For example, the fear of being criticized might turn people defensive and mean. And the fear of being out of control may turn people controlling and dramatic.
So how do you dissolve the situation and override that emotional hijacking?
First, recognize their emotions and acknowledge them. Then, dive into what is causing the fear. Understanding the issue is the first step towards resolution.
Finally, help transform and resolve their fears if you can. For example, you can reassure, or rationalize with them about the issue.
To be Popular, Make People Feel Wanted
Popular people make us feel good.
Interactions with these people create more “feel-good” chemicals in our brain than usual interactions. So to be popular, you shouldn’t impress people by highlighting your own strengths but turn on people’s brain reward systems instead.
As humans, we want people to get us, to feel understood, to have someone on our side, to be accepted for who we are. And above all, we want to feel valued. And the surefire way to make people feel good is to make them feel wanted, liked and understood.
Ask questions, listen and try to understand. Curiosity in people makes you engaging.
This is one of the most interesting books I’ve read recently. A lot of the social strategies mentioned in the book may sound like common sense, but the author explains the science and research behind each strategy and even outlines experiments she designed to confirm them!
The book also introduces lots of actionable steps to put these strategies into action. Practice makes perfect, and this book shows how to integrate these practices into your relationships.
So how do I: Construct the perfect story to get my point across? Inspire my staff when there are tons of people that I have to manage? Or figure out when and how to disclose my vulnerabilities?
For more tips, actionable steps and the science behind these strategies, get the book here: https://amzn.to/39xbBP9
Or, get this book for free as an audiobook by signing up for Audible.com:
