PredictionSSS Week 1
This week’s predictions are brought to you by one of the most esteemed members in the SSS, your beloved Chod. I will be using Midjourney (a DALL-E type AI program) to get pictures of everyone’s franchises to accompany a detailed prediction. I have asked ROBO to leave the pictures in large scale for everyone to appreciate the AI drawings’ detail.
AI Takeover (-3) OVER Dead Pigeon
As always, ROBO had a solid draft and after rebuilding the last couple years he’s starting to look like a franchise that will be a powerhouse in the coming years. Despite, in my opinion, being a contender this season, I think he’ll be even better over the next 2–3. Some solid auction grabs, some juicy rookies, and a desire to show that his programming is actually capable of learning will make him a force to be reckoned with this season. He doesn’t have an easy matchup going to start the season so we’ll see if his years of planning will finally pay off.
Nothing out of the ordinary here. Pigeon thinks he’s a top contender and has
already said he’ll likely be runner-up. I can already see him rolling out the excuses as to why he got second. Word on the street is Pigeon is already telling his teams fitness coach that if AT LEAST three players don’t miss multiple games for injuries he’ll be fired. Despite the lovely night I spent with Pidg I have to remember how mean he’s been do me for the last 5 years, and 1 night making out under the stars can’t change that. Pigeon without question has some solid players but when I look at his roster I just think ‘meh’ for some reason. Saquon might finally be playing back at his Chod level, but other than Kyler I just am a little underwhelmed, and going up against Robo week 1 is a hell of a challenge. This is definitely a matchup we’ll see in the ‘yoffs. Pigeon needs a few weeks to get his feet under him.
ROBO by 15
Cannibals (-13) OVER Bedwetters
What a lemon of a match-up. Piss spent all of his money on two players on the same team, then spent an hour and a half complaining that he couldn’t bet more than $1 for his remaining 37 roster spots. After pissing the bed for so long you start to get some major uric acid build-up and weird spores, so I think midjourney nailed this one. I constantly struggle to decipher the annual piss strategy, but I think I’ll just have to accept that there is no strategy. Like, he has every one of his picks still for the next 3 years, so at some point he might use one of them to improve his team, maybe? He’s also just an ok rookie draftist so I just don’t know. I’m to the point where I feel bad because I’m always giving piss shit, but, like, change your ways, cha feel?
The word ‘cannibal’ was a blocked word on Midjourney, so I just typed out a 3-page story of that fateful day and this is what it spit out. Scary stuff man, these computers are smart. This was written on Tuesday morning, the 6th of September in the year of our Lord and 3 days before another communal gathering where Cannibals will be there and there is a promise of food. I’ve learned though, I’ve learned. I’ll come fed, I’ll make sure Michelle eats, and I’ll bring Theo his own dinner despite him fucking LOVING pizza. As a father and husband, I have to think about these things now. And you know what’s crazy? Yumy WORKS with Michelle, and sometimes I’ll walk upstairs and hear his goofy voice on a zoom call with Michelle and he’ll be talking and saying dumb programming things and all I can think is that that is the same mouth that ate 12 burgers and 5 of those he regurgitated into his brother’s mouth. Like, who even invited his brother? Has anyone even asked that question? Where was our commissioner? Will I ever get paid for supplying enough burgers to feed 20 but never getting one myself? These are the things that keep me up at night. That and that terrible Russell Wilson video mamba posted calling himself Mr. Unlimited. Like WTF? This matchup just sucks.
But I guess I’ll pick YUMY to win by 25.
Chicago Gunslingers (+6.5) OVER Boston Clamjammers
Mr Clam, a person who has managed to scrape together a decent team without trading away a single pick of his. He literally still owns all 12 picks for the next few years. Get a life, Clam. He’s finally learned that having 8 Patriots in your starting lineup is not a recipe for success. He’s got a lot of talent, a lot of depth, and a pretty clam AI picture so there’s not a whole lot standing in way of a top 5 finish for Mr Jamm. I don’t know what else to say other than I like the all the pictures of “unsuspecting clam” that I see in snap.
I just really love this picture. It’s just a perfect representation of what Chicago 2022 looks like and how Kevin would look if he had both of his arms surgically removed to become a half cyborg gunslinger. Just beautiful. Guns/Elbows lucked together a good team in the draft last year then sold his firstborn to solidify the 2021 Championssship. So, it wouldn’t be a surprise to see guns in a rebuild position. He’s still good enough to make top 6, and with some big name players he’ll likely be able to reacquire some of those picks he sold off last year at the trade deadline. This will be another good matchup, I’m excited to see if the Fast Pass is as dominant this year as it was last, Icarus might be the only one keeping us from glory. This will probably be the game of the week.
Clam by 6
Pl0W (-9.5) OVER The White Mamba
For this one I just uploaded a recent picture of plow from Camp Pigeon and a
screenshot of his team and this is what it spit out. I didn’t bother upscaling it
because we don’t need a more detailed picture of trash, we know what it is. It
probably saw that Plow has Desean Watson and that he gave him the nickname of “Deshaun Plowatson.” How disrespectful to the 116 women who were forced to touch his ween. But along with Watson, Plow still has McCaffrey, who I think will have a career year, will be the comeback player of the year and potentially league MVP. So, with that on his side and some of the familiar faces we’ve come to hate, I expect Plow to be a favorite again this year. With Hags’ help he can probably win it all.
Look at this adorable little snake. I asked Midjourney to do a “futuristic Brian
Scalabrine with super powers, futuristic clothing, eighties vibe, anthropomorphic, fine details, cinematic lighting” and it was funny but not super mamba-esque, I’ll post it in slack upon request. So instead, like we all know from grade school biology, there is such a thing as a Green Mamba, which is a venomous snake. So, I just searched it as a white mamba and it pulled out this cute little guy. He’s just so adorable, like our beloved Andrew Johnson. And look at those details! What a shit time to be an artist. But anyways, Mamba still has Kamara, gotta respect him sticking with him despite everything. While I think we’d all agree that while mamba wasn’t the worst team last year on paper, he still got what was coming. I’ll never forgive him, I offered Mamba 3 1sts for Kamara and he said “No, I’ll only accept 3 1sts and a 4th” so I backed out of the trade. It’s a shame to get the sacko with that
kind of player on your bench. This year mamba definitely doesn’t look like a prior sacko team, so while he’ll certainly be safe from sacko this year I’m sure he is regretting not capitalizing on getting it last year.
Trash is too strong, Plow by 22.
Fawkes F.F.C. (-3.5) OVER Revenge of the Sea Hags
Look at that those draft picks for FAWX. Just unreal. He’s going to need to figure outsome way to just make space for everyone which is something I’m sure I’d never have to worry about. From the ashes of Daddy has sprungeth new life, and that life is viral, spreading rapidly and threatening to overtake the league. A few years down the road here FAWX has the potential to be a multiyear top contender. FAWX will be a bubble team this year, floating between toilet bowl and the big boy playoffs and has gotten here through his own grit. Daddy left him nothing but a literal pile of ashes and FAWX has really turned it around, gotta respect it. It’s funny, I mentioned how you had to respect mamba for being an idiot and holding onto Kamara but also
how you need to respect FAWX being a total badass and building a dynasty.
Respect is a funny thing. I wonder if I should go back and change mambas? Ugh, Robo is requiring at least 2,000 words so I’ll keep it in. Fawx will easily avoid the sacko and still has some assets he can move come trade deadline to stack his already ridiculous draft board.
It’s hard to tell if this Hags creature is coming out of the water to pose a threat to all mankind or if he’s slowly drowning in his own environment. I think it’s drowning, and it’s all his own doing. Like, why wear a big cloak in the water? It’s probably really hard to swim. It’s why wetsuits were invented, I bet, because cloaks aren’t good for swimming. Anyways, what’s to be said about Hags. We all love him in our own way, but all scream different obscenities once a year when we see the transaction channel light up with a “Hags trades with Plow” alert. Someone recently said that they think Plow has some sort of leverage over Hags, like some unflattering nudies or something, but we don’t speculate here at house chod. But I bet it’s nudies. Pat is already looking at some trade potentials and maybe that can help Pat rebuild, but even keeping his existing team as is puts him in a strong position to get sacko, so we’ll see if he’s able to shore up his future a bit and also
avoid the sacko. The Chubb/Cook duo won’t be enough to lift him higher than a phoenix.
Hags slowly drowns, fawx by 11.
ICARUS: TBD (+12.5) OVER CHOD
This might be my favorite AI drawing. It’s just so interesting. I find myself looking at it a lot. I didn’t guide Midjourney much with this one because I wanted to see what it came up with and this is pretty dope. But unfortunately, it’s for a franchise we all collectively abhor. Like, I’m to lazy to hold a grudge, but can’t help but remember Kelce having a career high game against me in a playoffs that Icarus should have never been a part of if other members decided to give a flying fuck and set their lineups. (Hags: “Oh wait, since when are there games on a SUNDAY?!”). I think we all accepted Joe’s championship was pure luck, then last year we all accepted that he got lucky again. I think thrice years of luck is not in the cards. I also always feel not very bad for him having to go against the mighty chod first game every year.
“Awwwwww. OMGEEEEE Catchod is soooo cute how can anyone not like him?” I put that in quotes because I know one of you has said that. But I didn’t want to sit here and brag about how I’m top 6 in looks in the SSS or how Matt said I’m a great kisser so I figured I’d just let you all speak for yourselves. I asked each of you, in one sentence, to describe what you think of me, this is what you came up with:
Plow: “Politically, it’s hard to disagree with you, Danny. And your team is always really good. I used to call you Plow 2.0 but now I wish that I was Chod 2.0.” (I told Plow 1 sentence, and this is what he sent, idk about that guy).
Cannibals: “It’s true, we ate everything.”
Dead Pigeon: “I’ve never been kissed like that before.”
Piss: Couldn’t be reached for comment.
Mamba: “Don’t put this in your article, but I made a chod waffle sculpture (to scale)during my sacko punishment because of how highly I think of you.” (To which I responded, “wow mamba, I’m flattered. I won’t tell anyone, thanks for confiding in me.”)
Hags: “I’ll give you a 1st if you take Kittle from me.”
Icarus: “Let me know if hags is trying to move Kittle.”
Robo: “I agree that the taxi squad is ass, but I’m beholden to a few special interest groups.”
Guns: “Don’t tell Joe, but I actually had my golden retriever draft for me this year and still ended up with a better team than him.”
Clam: “Remember when you told me about lawnmowers? I bought one and use it tomow the weeds down in the backyard, especially before I host 10 of my friends for our fantasy football draft.”
Fawx: “Joe almost killed me the day I met him at the 2021 draft.”
Wow, thanks guys. This league is special.
Anyways, I wish I thought I’d slap that porn star ass of Joes. That I’d slap it so hard that it’d end his ass modeling career. But I think I’ll only win by 7 and Joe will bitch about how unfair life is for the next 3 weeks.
