Animal Crossing: New Horizons’ Dream Update
If anyone ever says your dreams are silly, remember there’s a millionaire who invented the pool noodle (or woggle, as we call them in the U.K.)
So…an update has come to Animal Crossing: New Horizons. This means the arrival of a new strange special character, called Luna. She gives off very strong Luna Lovegood vibes, which is something I identify with (I was once described as an amalgamation of Luna Lovegood and Moaning Myrtle…because I cry a lot, and I’m strange).
A series of unfortunate dreams
I eagerly rebooted my Switch, excited to enter the dreamscape. I ran out of my house to find Luna’s little letter, with a bed attached (how is this possible? How does a giant bed fit in that tiny letterbox? If this was real life, someone from Hermes would’ve thrown the bed at me, despite it being clearly marked as fragile, whereupon it would break into tiny pieces. He would then blame me. I once watched an episode of a real-life court drama thing called Judge Rinder…basically the UK’s Judge Judy, where a man legitimately got sacked from his job as a mailman because he got a dog to sign for a parcel). I ran straight back into my house and set the bed up. Did it go with the decor? No. Never mind, you can’t have everything you want in life.
Why even give me the option of sleep? Nap life is the life. Then, I met Luna. I had expected to come across something resembling a cross between Inception and The Matrix. What I got was neither, but was arguably weirder. I was just chilling in my purple paradise, just sleeping, and then…
Luna appears. Luna is very strange. ScreenRant describes her as an ‘adorable little Tapir’, to which I say…have you been playing the same game? Why does her hair look like that? She looks like the animal embodiment of a Karen. She has strong take-me-to-your-manager vibes, like a Doctor Who villain crossed with a large mammal. I don’t like it.
Apparently Animal Crossing: New Leaf, the franchise’s previous instalment, one could visit Luna at a Dream Suite, where she will eat your dreams to become more and more powerful, like the baddies in The Matrix! Where’s Orpheus when you need him? Okay, she didn’t eat your dreams. That bit is maybe a slight lie. But, through Luna, you can enter others’ islands, without having to guide your visitors around. You can also allow visitors to your island without worrying that they’re going to chop up all your trees, try to fight your residents, or change your town flag to a rude image.
What fresh hell is this, I think, as a tapir harvests my dreams.
Surprisingly I walk away from the experience with little harm done. It was strange, but I think it was character building. What kind of character it is building, I’m not entirely sure. Probably one that needs to go to therapy?
Even after you wake up from the dream, the nightmare that is Sheldon remains
I hate this chipmunk-squirrel thing with a passion that would stir even a Stoic to tears.
Directly after this conversation I tried to push Sheldon in the river. He is now very angry with me, but I couldn’t care less. I hate him so much. He gives off low-key jock energy, and I’m not here for it. Working out isn’t a personality trait! Please find another hobby.
I then returned to the real world, where I chatted with a sloth.