Beyond Food and Shelter: 5 Core Emotional Needs You Didn’t Know You Have
A therapist explains the five core emotional needs of humans, and why you should care about them.
During my training as a therapist, I was exposed to many ideas that were incredibly helpful in my journey to understand my clients. Also, perhaps just as importantly, to understand myself.
One such concept is the idea of core emotional needs, that I first heard of in my introductory class to schema therapy. More specifically, knowing which needs are met and which aren’t.
That’s because knowing your needs and whether they’re met can help you understand how you arrived at your present self. Further, they can help you understand what you need right now, especially if you constantly feel empty, distressed or depressed.
That’s why I want to write about core emotional needs in this article — what they are, why you should care, and how their being met or unmet can impact us.
Table of contents (click me!)
- What are core emotional needs?
- Why should I care?
- The Five Core Emotional Needs:
1. Secure Attachments to Others
2. Autonomy
3. Freedom to express valid needs and emotions
4. Spontaneity and play
5. Realistic limits and self-control
- ConclusionWhat are core emotional needs?
The idea of core emotional needs was proposed by schema therapy founder Jeffrey Young, who argues that these needs are universal (although some individuals may have stronger needs than others).
He further posited that when these basic needs are unmet, we develop unhealthy behavioural and thinking patterns that may eventually interfere with our daily lives, and can potentially result in mental illness.
Why should I care?
Knowing the core emotional needs can be a good starting point to understanding how and why you arrived where you are.
If you constantly feel that your life is lacking or empty, this may indicate that one or more of your emotional needs are chronically unmet. Being able to identify which emotional need is unmet can give you a rough idea of what you can start working on.
In the subsequent sections, I introduce the five emotional needs, and common consequences of them being unmet.
The Five Core Emotional Needs
#1 Secure attachments to others
This refers to a sense of safety, stability, acceptance by a caregiver or loved one. Typically, someone who has had this need met in childhood had a parent, caregiver or other adult figure that was usually consistently there (emotionally) for them, accepted them unconditionally, and was mostly present in their life.
A person who has not had this need met in childhood typically had parents who lacked the ability or willingness to be emotionally there for their child (e.g., parents were too busy with their work, or were preoccupied with themselves). Or, they only showed care and approval when the child met certain conditions, like getting good grades or behaving well at home.
When this need is chronically unmet, one typically constantly feels insecure in relationships. As a result, they may consistently seek reassurance in relationships, or be otherwise avoidant of close relationships.
#2 Autonomy
This refers to being allowed to feel confident in your independence and ability to complete tasks. Typically, someone who has had this need met in childhood had parents or caregivers who were willing to let them do things on their own, or make mistakes and take appropriate responsibility for them.
In contrast, someone who has not had this need met in childhood typically has one of two kinds of parents.
The first is a parent or caregiver who is overly protective and/or intrusive (sometimes described as “over-controlling”). These parents rarely let their child complete tasks on their own, or insist on completing tasks for them.
The second is a parent or caregiver who is critical of their child, and expresses a lack of confidence in the child’s ability to complete tasks independently. Commonly, these parents may make sarcastic remarks, criticise or show contempt when a child tries to do something on their own.
When this need is chronically unmet, one may constantly feel incompetent and lack confidence in their own ability to make decisions or accomplish things. Alternatively, one may become dependent on others to make decisions for them, or to complete tasks.
#3 Freedom to express valid needs and emotions
This refers to being allowed to express emotions without being punished, rejected or invalidated. Typically, someone who has had this need met in childhood was able to to express their needs and emotions frankly and confidently at home, and such expressions were generally met with acceptance and validation.
In contrast, this need goes unmet when caregivers respond by punishing, invalidating, or shaming the child for expressing emotions (e.g., punishing a child for crying or getting angry).
When this need is chronically unmet, one of two outcomes is common.
In one case, one typically feels ashamed or guilty for expressing emotions (especially anger), and as a result, constantly hiding their feelings and needs. Even if they do express these needs or emotions, they tend to doubt the validity of their needs.
Alternatively, one may instead grow to become overly insistent on getting their needs and emotions recognised and met (e.g., throwing tantrums or getting easily triggered when they feel that their needs are being ignored). Such behaviour develops because this response may have been the only way for them to have their needs met in childhood.
#4 Spontaneity and play
This refers to being allowed to be spontaneous and play without feeling guilty or having to “deserve it”. Someone who has had this need met in childhood was typically allowed to play and be spontaneous at home.
In contrast, someone who does not have this need met typically grew up in a grim, no-nonsense environment with many rules. Play and spontaneity were considered less of a priority than work or school in these families.
Thus, when this need is chronically unmet, the outcome is a constant sense of guilt or having to “deserve it” when a spontaneous or non-productive activity is done. Someone whose needs for spontaneity and play were unmet tends to work a lot and take few breaks.
#5 Realistic limits and self-control
This refers to having sufficient self-control and discipline to complete unpleasant but necessary tasks, while resisting inappropriate behaviour. Someone who had this met need in childhood usually received adequate discipline or feedback in childhood.
On the other hand, this need goes unmet when it comes to overly permissive parents who never enforce house rules, and never or rarely discipline their child for engaging in inappropriate behaviour. Another way this need goes unmet is when the boundaries for behaviour and self-control are unrealistic, such as when a parent always punishes a child harshly for any slightly inappropriate behaviour, or even for breaking a minor rule.
When chronically unmet, one may find themselves lacking discipline and experience difficulty following rules. Alternatively, one may overcompensate and and excessively follow rules and constrict their behaviour, fearing the consequences of failing to do so.
Conclusion
In summary, the five emotional needs are:
- Secure attachments to others
- Autonomy
- Freedom to express valid needs and emotions
- Spontaneity and play
- Realistic limits and self-control
Identifying which emotional needs are met or unmet in your life can give you clues about why you behave in certain ways, and an idea of how you can proceed to improve your mental well-being.
Which core emotional needs were met or unmet in your own childhood? Which emotional needs do you think are being met or unmet in your adulthood? Was your experience similar or different to the typical experiences described in this article? Let me know in the comments.
